my grandmother and divinity

(the moon always shines brighter in the presence of my grandma)

I never truly understood devotion to God. I still don’t. Anyone who knows me would say that I’m incredibly agnostic. In fact, in my younger, more foolish years, I have expressed my displeasure and boredom for anything to do with God on multiple occasions to my loved ones. In hindsight, that was very silly of me to do. The least I could have done was respect it and cherish it because it gave my loved ones so much joy and happiness, especially to my favorite person in the whole world, my grandma.

My grandma is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever had the joy of knowing. Her name Indira is Sanskrit for beauty and it fits so perfectly, like a parle biscuit with tea kind of perfect. It is because of her that devotional songs often bring up feelings of love and nostalgia in me. This doesn’t mean I’m a devotee of God or anything, I doubt the existence of a God every single day but it just brings back really good childhood memories.

In Ahmedabad, I used to sleep in my grandma’s room, right next to the temple. I’d wake up to the sound of rain and I’d wake up to her singing devotional songs. The first thing that I would experience is the smell of burning incense and the second my eyes would open, the first thing I’d see was her smiling face, and the rays of the sun would be scattered all across her face to the point that even her wrinkles looked golden. It’s funny because it was in those moments I was convinced that maybe God was real, because no one can ever explain to me how my grandma is so incredibly divine. I’d not even be sitting upright and I’d be hearing these songs in that beautiful voice of hers while she did her aarti. Sometimes I would just stay in bed awake to listen to her sing those devotional songs. When she was done, I’d get up and she would give me tulsi and milk. I’d laugh because she would always give it to me in such a funny way, teasing me for not having woken up earlier.

When I was really upset about going away from her as a child, I would put my head on her lap and we’d be on the swing my grandparents have in their balcony. She’d put her hand on my forehead and we’d just be looking at the moon. I always thought the moon looked extra beautiful on those nights. Maybe the moon’s shining extra so that I can look up at my grandma more clearly against the darkness of the night and admire her while she speaks. If I were sad, she had the power to fix whatever bruises were left on my heart, from any harsh interactions I had. I like spending time with her. Spending time with her makes me feel incredibly human.

My grandma is always the happiest person in any room, and I think the strongest person in any room too. She’s had hardships in life that I could not even fathom experiencing, and she’s achieved so much in her life, up to the point where I simply cannot understand how the woman stays humble. She loves so deeply and remembers these little things and stories about her experiences and her loved ones. She finds the sweetest, smallest things funny (I love the sound of her laughter) and she has this very endearing habit of announcing a joke before she actually makes the joke. She’s empathetic to the point where if there’s a single “off” interaction, she will ask if you were sad. In fact, there doesn’t even have to be an interaction, she remembers how your life is going, and she will follow up on how you feel. She believes in ambition,and encourages those around her to be just as ambitious. What I wish she knew is that she inspires ambition in a lot of people, including me. If I had a fraction of her willpower, I know I would conquer any hardship that could possibly befall me. She’s content with her life too, and if you had the privilege of even having a five minute video call with her, you’d feel her warmth and contentment for life too. I can guarantee you that you would be inspired to feel such contentment for life, and would be inspired to do so much with it. Her contentment gives me hope, it reminds me that this world isn’t such a terrible place at all, that there is so much worth living for.

One might think that all of this happiness would mean she’s tried everything in the world to be happy, and she’s finally found out what works for her, as if she’s discovered some ancient, far-off secret to happiness. I am here to tell you that’s really not the case, she just knows how to live life with what she has, she’s content and sees a lot of things in life as God’s blessings. One of her favorite things to eat, actually, is just plain cereal and milk. To me, I find that funny, because how could you be happy with just plain cereal and milk if there’s so many other, more flavorful things that could make you happier? The realization then hits me, that even if there’s a thousand other more flavorful things, what she enjoys is cereal and milk, and no matter how plain that may appear to me, it makes her the happiest.

It is because of her I understand that I need to quit looking at life in the way that an absence of something “more” is a happiness limiting factor, because that’s really not how life works. In simpler terms, my grandma makes it easier for me to look at life because she instills a sense of gratitude in me.

After everything I’ve told you, it’s easy to confuse my grandmother for some sort of a goddess. You see my conundrum, don’t you? I can’t help but see the purest manifestation of the divine in her every time I have an interaction with her. The closest I’ve been to heaven and god is not at a temple, but it is waking up to my grandmother’s devotional chanting. I see all of the divinity she worships in her.

Do you know what she’d say to this? She would put her hand to my heart and say that we’ve all got a little bit of divinity in all of us. Her, me, and probably you too. Now how could I ever see the people around me as anything less than magical?