《 I Am Someone Who Always Retreats 》

Hi, I’m an INFP.

My mind is always flooded with thoughts. I possess a high level of empathy and am always thinking of others, yet because of this, I desperately crave to be treated the exact same way. Today, I wanted to try building a routine to express the thoughts in my heart and actually ground them. I fantasize that maybe, just maybe, I could start a side hustle this way and finally escape the tedious administrative work I’m so weary of. Make no mistake — I am highly capable at my job; it’s just that a part of me remains unsettled. I refuse to believe that my life is meant to just end up like this.

I am someone who always compromises: I used to always love the passion and directness of dogs. But because the people I came into contact with later on all had personalities like cats, and loved cats, I changed my preference to cats instead. Cats are proud, aloof, and rarely straightforward, but I realized that could be quite lovely too… Therefore, when others ask me now, I’ve learned to say I like cats, and I no longer mention that I actually like dogs.

I am someone so consumed by self-doubt: Having not seen each other for ten years, a male college classmate who used to appreciate and admire me recently asked about me — or so I heard through a mutual friend. In that split second, my heart still gave a sudden tug. So, it turns out someone like me could actually be liked by another after all… But it seems I have never truly accepted or faced the reality that “someone could like me,” or that “I, too, have the right to like someone else.”

I am someone who always chooses to hide: The colleague I secretly have a crush on walked into the office. I am always hyper-aware of his presence, yet I just pretend to be busy with my own work, deliberately avoiding talking to him. He has never known how nervous and happy he makes me. Right up until the day he transferred out of our department, I never managed to look him in the eye and say a proper goodbye.

And so, I just keep staying in my safe place — envying the directness of others while continuing to be someone who cannot even be honest about love.