About Me- Ananya

This a story about how a broken child became a recovering adult.

this is me.

My whole child I felt different from other kid, not in the ‘cool’ way. It felt like all the other children had an instruction manual to like which I never got. I failed at being a normal kid, couldn't navigate school, friendships and everyday tasks with ease. Navigating social situations where exhausting so I had stopped trying I was always trying to catch up. But the game was rigged against me. You see, I had ADHD, dyslexia and dyscalculia along with delayed developmental milestones. I was always trying hard but as a kid I didn't know how to explain these difficulties. I don't know that my brain is just different from others. I was labeled as the “good for nothing” kid. I was a very thin, weak child with no artistic, athletic or academic capabilities. No one saw my invisible struggles. To make things worse I grew up in a conflicted household where even home felt like a place I could let my guard down. Life was just an infinite suffocating cycle of home and school. I learned to keep my feelings to myself and I isolated myself and mostly played by myself.

As I grew up I had to flip the script. I had to prove people wrong. I wasn't a failure and I wanted to show people that. I used to work hard to have good grades, take part in as many extracurricular events as possible, attended lots of training programs and conferences and made sure I never took a break and even did internships during holidays. My motto was to work as hard as a can. I had to prove myself. In the process I became terrified of failure and I used to punish myself for it. If I worked hard enough I know I'd stop hearing those voices of criticism. I hated making mistakes. I was no longer my childhood self. I needed to make a name for myself in the future. I have to become a great scientist, do research stuff and excell and that's all that matters to me. The fear of failure was so drilled into me by the constant criticism I got from teachers, parents and peers as a child. I pushed myself relentlessly chasing achievement after achievement, goal after goal. I needed to feel accomplished. I was very critical of myself but I thought it was good for me, that I needed to never put my guard down.

And one day it all came crashing down. Badly. Burnout was not fun. At all! Long story short I had to be hospitalized cos my body just couldn't take it anymore. And that's when my whole world crashed. I had become the very person I was running away from- a disappointment. I felt like I had proved everyone right. I was a “good for nothing” person. I felt like I would never out grow those childhood tags and that they will always define me. I could no longer over look the heavy burden of my childhood I was carrying so long. At that moment I knew my work ethic will suffer from this and my grades will fall. I had lost control and it was brutal. I HAD to slow down, but I didn't and my body made me to.sat on the edge of my hospital bed staring at the floor tiles, feeling a kind of exhaustion I didn't know how to explain. Shame seemed to follow me everywhere. It felt like my world had collapsed. Yep. It was that dramatic.

But the world had not collapsed. I moved on. I’m not as hard working as before. Slowing down made me notice the smaller things I’m life. Made me enjoy this moment. I realized at that moment that my worth was not something to be earned. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons so I made a blog to document all of it.