8 Unexpected Things That Happen When You Come Out As A Lesbian

Okay, so I’m kinda shocked that no one was shocked.

GAY AS FUCK.

Yeah, coming out as gay has been a trip so far. It’s not just admitting to yourself that you’re gay. It’s actually realizing who you are as a result of being able to put a label on things.

I’m a sapphic person. I’m also very butch — at least in personality. Most of my exes mentioned that I “acted just like they would” if they were born a woman. Well, that’s because I’m a butch that has a slightly feminine touch.

I believe they call that a “soft butch.”

But I digress. Coming out has been a really life-changing thing. It’s also shown me a lot about the dynamics of my friendships and relationships. No one ever warns you about the full scope of how coming out can change you or your life. So, let’s talk about it.

#1: I realized I really am not into men.

I know, I know, it should be obvious, right? But for a while as I was actually just easing into calling myself gay, I thought it’d be a matter of, “Hey, I’m still going to have sex with guys when I’m touch-starved or validation-starved, simply because I don’t know how else to cope with my life.”

Nope.

Much of the reason I said I was pansexual is because I really enjoy the feeling of good dick. The thing is, my girlfriend mentioned that some women have penises.

BOOM.

Just like that, my pansexuality got yeeted out the window. It all clicked almost instantly. I never actually liked masculinity or men. I just kept trying to force transactional relationships thinking that eventually, I’d get my payout. (It’d never happen.)

The more I actually leaned into my sapphic energy, the less I could even imagine sleeping with men. I tried to masturbate to hetero porn. It didn’t work. I couldn’t even get interested in it.

While I am a person who might occasionally get into casual sex for content or touch-needing reasons, there’s a good chance that I might not be able to get interested without lesbian porn playing in front of me. The more I actually listen to myself, the less interested I am in men at all.

#2: My kinks make a lot more sense.

TMI ALERT! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR X-RATED CONFESIONS, SKIP THIS ONE!

So, when I identified as pansexual, I was a cuckquean. I had a major fantasy about watching my male partners with other women. In most of my fantasies, I’d be forced to “clean up” after they had fun.

Guess what else stopped being interesting to me: yup, getting cucked with a man involved. I started to realize why I liked it so much. Simply put, it was a way to watch a beautiful woman get pleasured, a way for me to get sexually humiliated, and a way for me to have an “excuse” to go down on a girl.

It stopped being interesting to me. I’m still interested in lesbian group sex, but I can’t even imagine being interested in a man being there. It just does nothing for me. At all. I’m just a lesbian who has a voyeurism thing and a humiliation kink.

While we’re on the topic, a little-known fact about being a lesbian is that a lot of women will use sex with men as a form of self-harm. I’m starting to wonder if I was subconsciously punishing myself by being with guys. That would explain the extremely violent fantasies, right?

#3: My dating issues make a lot more sense.

I’ve had men tell me that they can’t respect me because I pursue them. I’ve been baffled because I always operate by the idea of giving as much as you want to have given back. I also tend to love the idea of sweeping a girl off her feet and getting the same in return.

When I started dating Yanni, I marveled at how natural it felt. The same feeling happened with my other girlfriend. Lo and behold, my two girls are transwomen.

It’s not just a transwoman thing, though. The cisgirl I dated before them also felt right. And so did my two ex girlfriends. It just felt easier. And right. Like being welcomed home.

Hetero dating always felt forced or weird. Well, I found out that I don’t date like a hetero woman. I date like a butch dyke. This explains why all my lesbian dates ended up being tons healthier than anything hetero I tried to do.

Oh, and I also realized that I am so terrified to flirt with women that I become 100 percent oblivious when a girl wants to be with me. I apparently asked out multiple women, only to not realize it was a date, then to have them stop talking to me when they realize I thought it was platonic.

Basically, I need to get more flirty. Otherwise, my lesbian flirting action will look like two metapods trying to battle each other in Pokemon. To say I’ve fumbled some gorgeous women is an understatement.

I was also surprised to find out how many women were into me. I came out to one of my closest friends. Her reaction was, “BITCH! WE COULD HAVE BEEN MARRIED BY NOW!”

Of course, she might have been joking for all I know. I really can’t tell with these kinds of things.

#4: A lot of guys are in denial.

Yes, I’m gay.

No, a guy’s dick is not going to cure me.

No, I’m not attracted to men in the same way I am women.

Like, if you’re a guyfriend of mine and I do content with you, I’ll sleep with you. Maybe. Probably not. In the porn world, I’m generally what’s called “straight for pay.”

Gents, I’m not going to be attracted to you in the same way I am with girls. I’m not going to pursue you. I’m not going to date you. I’d never marry you. I’m not able to fantasize about you.

When my girlfriend dolls up and does that sexy little thing she does with her hands, I turn beet red and stammer like a schoolboy. When I see a gorgeous woman, I have a hard time not staring or coming up with words. That doesn’t happen with men and it never will.

Yes, that was what made me realize I’m gay. A lot of guys are now assuming I need them to convince me. Trust me fellas, I tried so hard to be with guys. It doesn’t work. It’s a square peg in a round hole.

I have a beautiful wife and a girlfriend. My wife is going to be transitioning. My girlfriend already is transitioned and she’s smokin’ hot. And I have crushes on women.

I’m not interested in men. I’m not wired that way and I honestly don’t think I ever was. I was just in deep, deep denial.

And if you think you can fix that? You’re in denial too.

#5: People somehow were not shocked at all.

I still don’t know how my daughter’s dads were not surprised. They were basically like, “Yeah, we were waiting until you figured it out. Took longer than expected.”

Even my mom was like, “Yeah, I know you were messing around with women. I remember how you were with Jess.”

Maybe it’s the clothing? The mannerisms? The key ring? Apparently, I am basically the stereotype of a butch lesbian. The only difference is the long hair and the long nails.

#6: I like myself more.

I don’t know how to describe this, but I feel more “right” when I call myself a butch dyke or a bull dyke. I don’t hate myself as much as I used to. I don’t feel like a failed hetero or pansexual woman.

I feel like I was someone who just didn’t know what they really wanted until recently. It feels right. It feels more natural. Dating feels easier. Dating feels safer in general.

People have even mentioned that I seem more comfortable in my skin.

#7: I discovered who my real guy friends are.

It’s shocking what happens when you take sex off the table. A lot of my guyfriends ghosted me outright. Others were cool with me just being gay AF. Either way, I see who’s for real way more these days.

#8: Finally, misogynistic posts by men really hit differently as a lesbian.

You know, you can’t really choose who you’re attracted to. I didn’t choose to be gay. But once I found out I was gay, I went through grief, anger, panic, and then finally realized I might have lucked out.

Every time I see a misogynistic post on Instagram or Reddit or Threads, I just breathe a sigh of relief. I think about how awful it was to have to try to navigate those fucking batshit insane landmines of men as a person who was deep into comphet.

When you’re a butch, you don’t have to worry about that level of systemic toxicity anymore. You feel heartbroken for women who are male attracted, but at the same time, there’s this lingering feeling of, “Jesus fucking Christ I dodged a bullet the size of Fat Man in Hiroshima.”

Of course, I also feel a tinge of sadness and confusion seeing those posts. How could men say they like women, then talk about them like that? I couldn’t imagine saying that about a gender I am enamored with, you know what I mean?

The fact that so many men could…

It’s sad.

But hey, there’s a silver lining: those guys make a spectacular example of what not to do to attract women. And someone like me often needs tips on what to avoid.

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Hey ladiiiiiieeees!