June Gloom

I always thought sunshine would make me happier

Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash

In spring, the town where I live starts turning gray in the mornings.

When I wake up, the sky is covered with clouds, and the patio floor looks slightly wet. When I first moved here, I used to think it had rained overnight. But before noon, the fog disappears, and the sky gets bright again. People walk their dogs wearing jackets, then spend the afternoon outside in T-shirts.

I used to imagine Southern California as a place that was always sunny. Blue skies. Palm trees. People who always seemed relaxed and happy all the time. At least, that’s what I thought.

Near the ocean, mornings stay cloudy like this through spring and early summer. They call it “June Gloom.” I heard it has something to do with the cold air from the ocean.

After moving here, I thought all the sunshine would make me feel happier. At first, I loved the sunshine. At least for the first half hour. But if I stay outside too long, I start getting annoyed. It’s too bright and too noisy. It almost drives me crazy.

After sunny days for weeks at a time, I start missing the clouds. The light feels softer. The town seems to slow down a little. Even the busy streets somehow seem quieter when the sky is gray.

On gray mornings, I feel less guilty about doing nothing. Around here, sunny days often feel like days you are supposed to be outside. But when the sky is gray, I make coffee, sit on the couch, and look outside for a while. I like that part of the morning. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind the gray so much. It never lasts very long.

When I was younger, I didn’t remember thinking much about the weather. I lived in Paris for a while in my twenties. Paris was gray most of the time, but back then I barely noticed. I was busy going to school, learning new things, and thinking only about the future. Most days, I was excited just to be there. I spent my time exploring the city, meeting friends, and trying things I had never done before. The days passed quickly. I don’t remember looking up at the sky very often.

Later, after getting married and raising small children on the East Coast, I started noticing the sky all the time. In winter, it got dark early in the afternoon. Some days, by five o’clock, it was already dark outside. The children were still little, and my husband came home around seven. My parents were still in Japan. We had moved to the United States not long before. I didn’t know many people yet. There were days when I wished my parents lived closer.

By late afternoon, I often found myself looking at the clock, waiting for him to walk through the door. I was usually making dinner while keeping an eye on the children. The lights were on inside, but outside the windows it was already dark. Somehow, the dark afternoons felt longer than they should have.

The children are grown now. The house is much quieter than it used to be.

I don’t live on the East Coast anymore. These days, I live near the ocean in Southern California. By noon, the sky is usually blue again.

I always thought I would feel better once the sun came out.

Lately, those cloudy mornings seem to come more often.