The Seniors Guide to Grunting

You don’t need a hearing aid to catch an interesting array of sounds…

Photo: deagreez1 / licensed from Deposit Photos

I don’t know why older people make more vocalizations, and of course, not all of us do. But herewith a sampling, based solely on my own experience — both of myself and of older relatives and acquaintances as they scooted along on the road of time.

Just because it’s too common, I’m excluding snoring. So stay awake while you read this. (It’s not really a grunt anyway, though I have heard snorers that grunt — sorry, honey!) The following descriptions mostly apply to men, because women prefer to hide their sounds in an effort to remain ladylike!

The ahhhhhhh. It’s usually a relief — you picked up that piece of flotsam from the floor, or the hard-to-put-on shoes are finally afoot (get it?), or you’re loading groceries into the car, or you finally get to sit down in a comfortable chair, or your bathroom excursion was a success.

The ooooofff. That package was large, right? But you got it into the house. Often repeated throughout the exertion.

The aiiiiiiiiiiiii, or more colloquially, oyyyyyyyyy. Usually represents the task you don’t want to do — like putting on gloves and grabbing the snow shovel, especially after a blizzard. Or cleaning up a particularly nasty mess. Now when you’re done, you get to choose from all other grunts as a sign-off/reward: the ahhhhh, the oooooofff, etc.

The mmmmmffffff. Closely related to the aiiiiiiiiii, but a quieter version. More resignation than complaint. Sometimes used to show that you’ve made the effort but are being stoic about it.

The uggghhhh. Expresses general disgust with the world, one’s waistline, the moldy piece of fruit discovered in the refrigerator, and possibly the choices presented in every election.

The contemplative awwwww. Here you are in a reflective mood; this is more of a sigh than a grunt. It occurs when you watch something with a happy ending, see a charming animal video, find that missing item that’s been gone for weeks, or get a googly-eyed smile from a baby. Awwww.

Lest we forget: the half-growl, urrrrrrrah. Very difficult to spell phonetically — try curling your tongue and making a guttural sound. This has several indications; you can use it to play with the dog (i.e., speak his language, especially while yanking on a pull toy); it can be a triumphant, motivational snarl as you lead your team onto a battlefield; or perhaps even an attempt to scare away a mountain lion. Please note: this last usage is not recommended.

Finally, there is the cheek blowout. It sounds like wuuuuuuh, with a rush of air leaving your mouth. It can be an exclamation of surprise (“What’s that mountain lion doing in my house?”), or alarm (it’s still snowing?!), or admiration for the huge meal that’s on the table, and you didn’t have to cook.

Feel free to add a few of your own in the comments. And let me know how the audio version of this handles the challenge!