HUMOR

My New Boss Overheard Me Call My Job a Pile of Wank

He was totally impressed

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

I stumbled out of my car into the cold, gray air of the parking lot. My sunglasses were perched on my nose even though there was no evidence the sun existed.

Throwing my purse over my shoulder, I slammed the car door and dragged my feet along the ground. I tugged at the key card in my coat pocket, cursing it as it caught on the pocket lining.

Once I reached the school building, I scanned the card and stomped inside allowing the heavy door to slam behind me. I didn’t bother to remove my sunglasses as I walked down the long hallway to my classroom.

The turn of my key in the lock echoed through the empty building. Entering the classroom, I threw my coat into a closet and collapsed into my desk chair.

Everyone had said it would be a snow day. The nearby school districts called it last night — they closed their schools. But my district waited until morning and when the snow didn’t come, the worst email a teacher could ever receive penetrated my phone at 6 AM —

“School is open as usual.”

It was one of the darkest moments of my life.

Gone were my hopes of sleeping until noon. Gone were my plans for a nacho lunch. Gone were my dreams of turning the thermostat up to eighty degrees.

I sulked as I typed away, refreshing some tired lesson plans, and crossed my fingers that my new boss wouldn’t be visiting classrooms that day.

It was the new principal’s first day. Yesterday, a meeting was held after school to meet him. I didn’t attend because one of my students tried to throw another kid out of a bus window, stopping the bus from being able to leave the school grounds. Apparently, that was somehow my problem.

On the plus side, only one of my tits got punched when I asked my student to only throw kids out of windows at home.

After finishing my lesson plans, I sent them to the printer in the teacher’s lounge and trudged out into the hallway again.

The chatter of other teachers in the hallways assaulted my ears. I weaved in and out of people, endured smiley good mornings, and refrained from kicking them in the shin.

I turned the corner into the teacher’s lounge and stopped at the sight of a long line of teachers queuing for the printer. Clearly, no one expected to be at work today.

“Join the line, Franky,” one of them teased as she frantically printed sixteen different coloring sheets for her class.

I going to staple you.

“Franky!”

I turned at the call of my name to see my work bestie standing on the other side of the large room talking to another teacher on our team. They waved me over.

“Please tell me you have lesson plans for today?” Lisa said as I approached.

Don’t pretend you follow lesson plans.

“Yeah, I just put some together,” I replied.

“Please can I use them too? Lisa asked.

To line your trash can?

“Me too?” Charlotte added.

“Sure,” I said, as all my fucks disappeared.

Charlotte smiled and said, “I didn’t think we were going to be here today.”

No shit.

“We shouldn’t be here,” I said quietly. “If the superintendent had called it last night like everyone fucking else, we would still be sleeping right now. This job is a pile of wank.”

“It better snow tonight,” I continued. “I will lose my shit if I have to come here tomorrow. Even if it just rained. It would be too icy for schools to open and my life would be joyful again.”

A throat cleared behind me. My coworker’s smiles faded.

Oh shit.

My heart dropped into my stomach as I looked over my shoulder at a man I didn’t recognize. He looked at me and said,

“If you like, I’ll throw some buckets of water in the street this evening. With the cold temperatures, it should freeze nicely for you.”

He smiled and studied my face as I panicked.

Oh my god, you’re the new principal, aren’t you?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He’s going to think I hate my job! Which I do. Or that I have no work ethic! Which I don’t. Or that I’m unprofessional. Which I definitely am.

“I assume you’re Claire, the British teacher?”

Start using an Australian accent. Now! Americans can’t tell the difference anyway. What do I say? Fuck. G’day, Mate?

“You teach second grade, don’t you?”

Nope.

Say you’re the gardener. Wait, no, we don’t have a garden. Say you work at a different school and you came to the wrong school because you’re drunk.

“I’m David Walker, the new principal.”

G’day, Mate.

“Hello,” I said sheepishly.

A voice from the other side of the room caused him to turn and walk away. I watched him go before turning slowly to face Charlotte and Lisa.

They both laughed.

“Yeah, he hates you,” Charlotte said, sniggering.

I frowned, then turned and marched across the room.

“Where are you going?” Lisa called.

Over my shoulder, I hissed, “To rewrite my lesson plans. He’s definitely visiting my classroom today.”

The new principal did visit my classroom that day. He stayed a while. I smiled widely, called all the children “Sweetpea” and talked a lot about baking bread and singing to deer in the forest.

He didn’t buy it.

But we did become work friends and he became the best boss I’ve ever worked for. The following year, he promoted me. And the year after, he broke protocol and held my job for me when I had visa issues.

He didn’t throw water on the street outside the school, though.

Coward.