Be Flexible

In most monogamous relationships, their boundaries can be pretty straight lines. “No cheating.” That’s the rule, and if they’re a little more varied; “Texting isn’t cheating.” “Flirting isn’t cheating.” “Online isn’t cheating.” If those are mutually chosen caveats, that’s still a pretty straight, obvious line not to cross. One side of this line is cheating-bad, the other side isn’t, that’s fine.

In polyamorous relationships, you’re more trying to always avoid hurting or harming. You shouldn’t cheat either, to be clear. But your negotiations are less about what is absolutely good and absolutely bad and more about what very small details feel good or bad. The topic is no longer “Texting is cheating” it’s, when you text your boyfriend while the two of us are on a date it does not feel nice or when I am on a date with my girlfriend and you text me several times (in a non-emergency) it feels disruptive for her and for her & my time together.

The lines aren’t straight, they must curve and bend and take very sudden very sharp turns at times, to make clear what is in the green zone and what is in the red zone. Over time, or even just across different relationships- these zones will change. What may be a-ok for one couple you’re a part of, may be very upsetting for another couple that you are also in. Appropriate boundaries and healthy polyamorous relationships (of any member size!) are extremely self-designed.

So draw your lines and paint your polyamorous picture!! Don’t leave things unaddressed, don’t be afraid to erase small sections of a line and move them as time goes on. Bend, don’t break.