The Curse of Seen Potential

Why they should have left me alone

Photo by Elena Obilets on Unsplash

Being told back then that other kids were doing it and were no better than me—if they could do it, I could too. They don’t have two heads; we’re the same, so how could I let them surpass me? They’re not even on my level. They don’t know more than me. You’re brilliant, but you’re also lazy.

Then I’d think: Yeah, they aren’t better than me. They don’t know as much as I do. They aren’t as educated, aren’t as smart. I am better than them in every possible way.

But then I thought: If I’m so much better than them, how come they have better friendships? Why do they have better grades? Why do they look happier?

Then I’d say, "It doesn’t matter. I’m still better than them—it’s just because they don’t know what I know."

Fast forward: "There’s nothing for me here anyway. Might as well thug it out till I can leave. I can’t wait to leave. I can’t wait till they see how much better I am. I can’t wait to make them see what they turned away from, what they’d always overlooked, what they’ve pushed to the sidelines. When that time comes, it’ll be poetic justice, but I’ll be magnanimous and forgive all of them. Why? Because I’m better than them."

Do you think that’s what happened?

Most certainly not.

Here’s how it went instead:

"Why does it feel exactly the same as before? Why has nothing changed? Why am I still in the shadows? Doesn’t anyone see what’s in me? Can’t they see that I don’t fit into these imposed standards because I’m so much better? Why? Why is this happening? What am I missing?"

You. You’re missing you.

Do you even know who you are?

Of course I know who I am.

Okay, who are you then?

I...

Why do you think you’re better than anyone?

Because they told me so.

And you thought they were right?

They lied, didn’t they? They always lie.

They lie because they don’t know the truth either—they were also lied to.

I was sinking deep into a thick darkness that I could have, would have, lost myself in completely.

Prognosis? I’m not fine. I’m really not fine.