Lessons a young grasshopper needs to know

“Kung fu is great and all, but life is more than beating up bad guys and looking all stoic. Young grasshoppers need to learn lots of things that might not be taught….”

Photo by Bulbul Ahmed on Unsplash

1. When in the wilderness, follow the groundhog, eat what the groundhog eats, then eat the groundhog before he eats all of it.

2. Kung fu is great and all, but life is more than beating up bad guys and looking all stoic. Young grasshoppers need to learn lots of things that might not be taught in schools, homes and churches. The following are stories and tips a grasshopper needs to learn.

3. Based on my experience, when she lists her relationship status as ‘it’s complicated’ it means she’ll dump him if the right BBD (Bigger, better deal) comes along. She’ll show you a good time. Just remember, she’ll do the same to you.

4. They say traffic is a bitch, but sometimes the bitch is behind the wheel of your car. Sometimes she or he will steal your car and never bring it back. And if you gave her the keys there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.

5. A plastic bag floating in the wind does damage that far exceeds its value. Don’t become a plastic bag.

6. I gave my girlfriend some skimpy lingerie. While smiling and doing her sexy wiggles she threw the lingerie against the wall and gleefully exclaimed, “It’s beautiful, I love it!”

I was confused so as I unknowingly watched it fall to the floor I asked her, “Why did you throw it over there?”

She giggled, smiled that smile, and cheerfully explained using her sexiest tone, “I wanted to see if it clashes with the room when you tear it off of me.”

7. Use potting soil for cat litter. Cheaper, works great, clumps, and can be reused in the garden the next year. Feed it to the worms. The cat won’t care, nor will the vegetables or the worms.

8. Variety may be the spice of life, but spontaneity is the meat and potatoes that keeps men at the table. Many women will never understand this.

9. Store peanut butter upside down and you’ll not need to mix in the oil as often.

10. Place a dish towel underneath your bowl in the microwave so that you may remove your hot food without burning your fingers. Remember, no one is judging your manhood while you are preparing your food.

11. Eventually the women in your life will always assume the worst about you. You can’t change that, but you can always find another woman who thinks the same. The same goes for men.

12. There’s nothing wrong with wanting things, but having things might not be the best you can do.

13. Always carry some cash. The day will come when the cards, cash aps, and electronic payments will crash even if only for a while.

14. A genuine Swiss Army knife manufactured by Victorinox will serve you better than any of those big flashy pieces of steel that catch your eye.

15. Time is a hard mistress and rarely does she work in your favor. She cares not what becomes of you and only wishes to continue her march.

16. Displays of patriotism and religion are the foundations upon which greed, hatred, and genocide are built upon and excused.

17. The more you hate someone or some thing the more you see it. Soon it will be everywhere you look.

18. I had big plans for a bamboo project once. It was sure to make a profit for me. I found a place that was giving it away and loaded my trailer with as much as I could haul. Then I took it home and unhooked the trailer to go do another job.

When I got home that evening my trailer was empty. Before calling the police I asked my neighbor if she had seen anything. She told me Daddy had picked up the trailer and brought it back empty so I called Daddy. When he answered the phone he told me I owed him $20.

“What for?” I asked.

“The landfill fee,” he answered. “I hauled that load to the dump so I could haul a load of gravel for Cecil.”

I asked him how much he charged and he answered, “I didn’t charge Cecil anything. He’s a friend.”

I had priced a load of gravel to Cecil earlier that morning. Friends and family will put you out of business.

19. Build the wall, fence us in and the government will have even more control over us. Borders aren’t about protecting people, they’re about maintaining lines for the purpose of taxation. Governments cannot tax people they cannot hold.

20. Momma made me start doing my own laundry at 14 and I learned to do it well using what we had at home. About a week after I left home I had my first experience with a laundromat. I put my clothes in two machines and walked over to the vending machine, and got 2 little boxes of detergent assuming they were single load boxes. I was sitting there in front of the machines smoking a joint when I heard a thunk sound, then another, and another. I looked up and saw suds forcing the lids up again and again as the suds spilled out of both machines and across the floor.

Not knowing any other way I finished my joint, went to the change machine, got a pocket full of quarters, and ran the machines over and over again until the suds were gone from the machines and covered the entire room. Then I dried my clothes.

There’s no shame in reading the instructions, and no shame in sharing stories of your less than brilliant moments.

21. Prune your tomato plants beginning with any leaves that are touching the ground and leave as many suckers as possible as suckers produce fruit. Plant the suckers you prune to produce more plants and extend the harvest by weeks or months.

22. Your mother doesn’t want you to know that food stuck on pots and pans can be removed without scrubbing by filling the pan with water, putting a few drops on detergent in it, and bringing it to a low boil on the range. She’d rather see you work to scrub it clean.

23. Inflation always comes with economic booms causing the poor to struggle most when times are best for the upper classes. Only when the middle class becomes poor do politicians act. And always too late. You must prepare for inflation when the economy is down.

24. Dumb as a mud fence. Think about it.

25. Displays of patriotism and religion are the foundations upon which greed, hatred, and genocide are built.

26. My co-driver and I crossed out of Utah into Nevada on I-80 and pulled into the first casino we came to. The casinos along I-80 all have truck parking along with good, cheap food.

The first thing we came to was the slots. Tim put 50 cents in the one-armed-bandit, pulled the arm and won $1,000 with one pull. I tried to get him to cash out and eat but nooooo, he was sure he was on a winning streak.

After I ate I looked around until I found Tim standing outside the front door smoking his last cigarette. He had lost $5,000 — all the money he had in the world — and we still had to drive all the way across Nevada, cross Donner Pass in the snow, to San Francisco, and then to Los Angeles before dispatch would give him any more money. It was only 1,300 miles plus loading and unloading time. Took about 30 hours.

The house always wins…

27. Sooner or later you will discover strippers. Strippers are not like other women. They’ll make you happy even if they don’t like you. You’ll love strippers, they’ve no pretense when working. Strippers will take your mind off your troubles like alcohol without any hangover other than ending up broke and addicted to strippers. They are there to put on a show, nothing more. You know what you’re getting and they make good on their promises. Just don’t assume promises can be assumed. And remember, strippers quickly learn how to see through men.

28. As a bottom dweller (and you are a bottom dweller) you must learn to survive on what the landed few (those who own land) toss to the ground. When you are older, landed, and no longer a bottom dweller you will reminisce the time you spent crawling on your belly.

29. The problem with expansionism is there is never enough to satisfy a craving for more of something the expansionist don’t already appreciate. The expansionist only desires that which he does not have, and that which he fears he might lose. You cannot satisfy expansionism by giving the expansionist more of what they don’t already appreciate. The same is true in your personal life.

Managing empire, even personal empire, is expensive. It requires constant expansion to enrichen a loyal base and prevent overthrow from within. This is achieved through constant, never ending war and nothing else.

30. Remember, the smallest birds will eat you if you remain still long enough, but the smallest birds come to eat the earliest while their predators sleep off the last night’s kill. When in the wild, eat when all who eat you are sleeping.

31. When I was young and first started traveling with my Daddy he taught me to never eat seafood west of the Appalachian Mountains or east of the Rocky Mountains. And never eat biscuits or BBQ north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

32. You can’t back a trailer to a dock if you can’t see the hole (opening/space) in your mirror.

33. Always avoid parking on the back row as that is where the trouble starts.

34. Never point your weapon in the direction of anything you don’t intend to kill. Never shoot with the intention to wound.

35. Running off the side of the road is not a good means by which to avoid an accident.

36. Throw the first punch and make it your last. If your opponent doesn’t fall then run like hell.

37. The average consumer is so dumb they depend on bottled water that originates from the local tap water.

38. You can tell when big stars start losing their popularity and their income starts falling off as they start spreading false memes on the Internet and pitching life insurance on television.

39. Accept the fact that some of your best friends are dick heads and assholes. Love them anyway.

40. Unlike older cars, modern vehicles aren’t equipped with OEM hotdog cookers (antennas) so you’ll have to learn how to build a fire if you wish to eat. There is also no antenna on which you can tie balloons to find your car in the parking lot.

41. Libertarianism is the first step in the fall to Anarchy, and the end of the rule of law — none are safe from it including those who usher it in. Under Anarchy, only the strong and most brutal survive.

42. Magnesium will help you to remain regular — nothing fancy, just 500–1000mg each night before bed. That said, I’m not a doctor so don’t depend on my advice.

43. While you are still young, practice falling by covering your face with both hands, elbows tight against your body, and rolling into the fall. Do this until it becomes automatic. Your bones will thank you.

44. Go to motorcycle school and learn to ride. Even if you don’t want to ride a motorcycle.

45. Carry dried apples, crackers, water, and canned meat in your travel bag as you never know when you will eat again.

46. If you reward a child for eating the foods they love by giving them more of the foods they love the child grows fat, spoiled, and hating you. If you reward a child for eating the foods they hate by giving them more of the foods they hate the child grows up to hate you. All things must balance lest the scales be tipped against you.

47. Always keep in mind, diapers cost 10 times as much as condoms and are no fun to use.

48. You can microwave the cheapest popcorn in the store by putting some in a paper bag and folding the top over — no need to buy expensive microwave popcorn.

49. Never sell your tools.

50. Learn how to fish with the simplest rigs and cheapest baits. Worms, bugs, stinky cheese, liver, and stale garlic bread can work. Get a fishing license, keep it with your gear, and carry it everywhere.

51. Never spend your money at businesses that use religion or patriotism to entice you. Remember: Jesus drove the money changers from the temple.

52. When your right to free speech is oppressed your only hope is the death of the oppressor. Think about it. But remember, it is not free speech if your words cause harm to others.

53. The ants will kill you if given the chance. So will the cats.

54. As far as that strange dog is concerned, you’re just another human without treats.

55. Carry spare keys in your wallet. And don’t forget your wallet.

56. Learn how to forage for food.

57. Inflate tires to the amount recommended on the tire. The Firestone tires on all those Ford Explorers were underinflated.

58. If you think life sucks now just wait until you have child support.

59. As far as the rest of the world is concerned your opinion, right or wrong, is only as valuable as your net worth.

60. Your guardian angel is a backseat driver — drop her off on the corner and tell her to ride the bus.

61. Speaking truth to the world will get you branded a naysayer… or worse. Do so at your own risk.

62. So one very hot summer day I go outside to the chicken coop and find a ‘possum eating all the eggs and chicks so I grab a shovel and start beating him in the head until he’s dead. I walk back to the gate not realizing I still have a blood soaked shovel in my hand, and there in my driveway stands 3 Jehovah's Witnesses. Sweating and out of breath I gasp, “I ain’t got time for this shit, I just beat him to death and I need a cold drink before I bury him and clean up the mess.”

“Why did you kill him?” one of them asked, eyes wide and fear in his voice.

“Stealing eggs and chicks,” I answered.

“Couldn’t you call the police?” he timidly asked as the three of them slowly backed down the drive.

“Cops won’t do nothin’ “ I explained as they stepped back onto the street. It was only then I realized I still had the bloody shovel in my hand.

It’s been over 10 years and I haven’t seen a Jehovah’s Witness since. Sometimes not explaining the situation is best.

63. Learn how to tell time and direction using 2 sticks and hope you never need to do either. Learn to use them to build a fire too.

64. Rightly or wrongly we are all judged by the actions of our own kind.

65. Learn how to safely change a tire.

66. Debate never solves problems and is the worst way to chose which idiot you want to vote for.

67. To act is to do. To procrastinate is to die.

68. Forgive yourself, but never forget.

69. Nothing is more valuable than your name.

70. Religion is the drug of fools, liars, and politicians.

71. Nobody butchers the English Language worse than the English. Don’t be like the English.

72. Little Manzanilla olives are much more economical than the bigger olives, taste the same, and you get more as there is less liquid in the jar.

73. Still think God doesn’t make mistakes? Why are turds fattest on the end that comes out first?

74. Religious nationalism can only lead to war among religions and religious nations as each religion, denomination and every sect seeks to be the only one standing in the end.

75. Real patriotism is loving your country as it is right now, not how you want it to be or think it should be.

76. Old dogs may bark quietly or not at all, but as long as they have teeth they can still bite.

77. Don’t waste time in Absurdistan, there’s nothing there anyone wants, and nothing worth fighting over.

78. Vote not in your own best interest, but in the interest of the poor everywhere — the rich already have all they need.

79. Becoming famous requires exposure — getting exposure requires becoming famous. Long time fame requires a lifetime of work.

80. Start your own business while you are young. If you fail then start another. Rinse, lather, and repeat…

81. The only thing worse than working for the man is being the man.

82. Not trying is a bigger failure than failing.

83. Politics are inevitable, ignore politricks at your own risk.

84. Motorcycles are not for the weak of spirit, nor for the weak minded.

85. Horses are more expensive than motorcycles.

86. Enshitification is an actual word, and so, so, so very real.

Sorry about the enshitified haiku.

87. Stupidity has been found to be contagious — avoid stupid people at all cost.

88. When looking for a wife I recommend looking for one smarter than you. It shouldn’t be that hard.

89. You’ll never have enough of anything you want and will always have too much of what you don’t want.

90. Still think you can survive alone in the wilderness? Yeah, right!

91. The truth is not an insult and to call it such is to cover up a lie. Learn to live with your faults.

92. The things you hate will trouble you until you hate them no more.

93. The fish on the other side of the lake are always bigger until you get to the other side of the lake.

94. Learn how to drive a car with no brakes.

95. Learn how to cook. When learning to cook, always keep a jar of salsa on hand. If your food isn’t what you’d hoped it to be, pour salsa on it and eat it anyway.

96. Never, I repeat, never buy microwave popcorn. You can microwave regular popcorn in a paper bag like the bags fast food is served in, and it is healthier.

97. Buying tools is cheaper than paying people to use tools. And never sell your tools.

99. Learn how to recognize edible wild plants and other survival tips, but remember, no one can survive long term alone in the wilderness.

100. There is no rest in interesting. There is interest. Interest requires effort. The proper pronunciation is interest — ing.

101. Righty tighty, lefty loosy works 99.99% of the time.

102. Learn how to change a tire and fix a flat. They are not the same. Calling the motorclub doesn’t count.

103. A number of us camped on an abandoned logging road. Before we turned in for the night it began to snow putting down a couple of inches very quickly. Later the snow turned to very hard rain and began washing its way down the mountain. After the rain stopped I was awakened when I rolled over and got a snoot full of water.

I exited my tent and saw the others shaking from the cold and huddled around a pathetic little fire. “Are you cold?” one shouted.

“No,” I answered, “When wet, a cheap Army surplus wool blanket stays warm even when fancy down bags fail.”

104. The larger the group becomes the less intelligent it becomes.

105. Religion will teach you to hate. Hate will blind your mind’s eye. A blind mind’s eye will never see the truth or the lies you will hear.

106. Only take on business partners who are young and hungry. Your friend who already has plenty will never suffer enough to become successful.

107. Feel free to travel anywhere your feet can take you but know you are not.

108. Mistakes are easy. Correct your mistakes if you can, and when you can’t correct your mistakes then tell someone who can.

109. Don’t be the idiot who refuses to admit you are wrong.

110. No one will listen to you when you are right, but everyone will blame you when they’re wrong.

111. Never pass on a chance to learn. After all, you’re really not that smart.

112. Those who seek power will never have enough.

113. Enlightenment only comes to those few who are willing to walk in the darkness of the wilderness.

114. Voting only in one’s own self-interest is the fastest route to Absurdistan.

Voting in your own best interest is destroying America. God and history will judge our nation not on our successes, but on how we treated the least among us. Quoting the Bible saying, “The poor will always be among us” does not now, nor has it ever excused greed, hatred, and prejudice. Vote to help the poor, the downtrodden, the disenfranchised, and those who need help helping themselves… and the world will become a better place to live.

115. Learn to sew.

116. Brewing is not a good hobby for those who like to imbibe.

117. Too often determination is only the tool of your own demise.

118. Strawmen can never stand in the winds of change.

119. Enlightenment first requires surrender to new ideas.

120. Hatred only leads to death. And usually it is long and slow.

121. There is no honor in killing.

122. Real genius is in knowing one’s limits.

123. Peace can only be after one side lowers their weapons.

124. Pointing at the other never resolved any problem.

125. No war was ever ended by a ceasefire as bilateral postponement is the best a ceasefire can bring.

126. Forgiveness never comes to those who hate.

127. If you are willing to die for hate then why not be willing to die for peace?

128. Sorry, no one will give you a magic purple crayon.

129. Remain humble even when you can’t.

130. When you shame someone you give them license to shame you in return.

131. The secrets you keep will harm you the most.

132. Don’t let them fool you, the egg came first. The first chicken’s mother was not a chicken but a wild Asian Jungle Fowl.

133. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction — we just don’t always know what that reaction might be.

134. All my life we tossed carrot greens into the compost. Turns out they taste like… carrots. And they’re good for you.

135. Try harder.

136. Why stop getting your news from the media only to get it from some other liar on social media?

137. I got a call from the local sheriff’s department one night to bring a tow truck and pick up a car on a dirt road outside of town. When I got there the deputy had a suspect in the back seat being watched very closely by a growling Belgian Malinois guard dog. While we were doing the paperwork the suspect started screaming so we ran to the car to find the dog tearing him to bits. The deputy shouted one word and the dog stopped. “What did you do to my dog?” the deputy angrily shouted.

“I didn’t do nothin’ “ the suspect cried, “I called him by his name,”

“You don’t know my dog’s name.” the deputy shouted.

Yeah I do,” the suspect said, “I heard you say it. It’s (word I can’t understand)” The dog attacked again.

“You dumbass!” the deputy shouted before again ordering the dog to stop. “You told him to kill. My dog speaks Dutch!”

Your assumptions are too often wrong.

138. Pick a girl who has older brothers and your life will be so much easier.

139. Religion only serves the rich, Deism serves everyone. Believe only that which can be proven via empirical evidence.

140. Inflation is a symptom of a “good economy”.

141. Liberalism is the natural state of people and institutions that wish to make the world a better place for everyone to live. Conservatism is the result of people and institutions whose goal is to control people to enhance their own wealth.

142. Anecdotal evidence is defined as “evidence based only on personal observation, collected in a casual or non-systematic manner.” It is the least valuable evidence of all, and too often wrong.

143. Beware the strawmen. When you use them you prove yourself a fool.

144. If you don’t know what a word means it shouldn’t hurt your feelings when she calls you by that word.

145. Don’t be afraid to date women who are smarter than you — you’re going to need their help.

146. It is easier to get divorced than to get rid of a tattoo.

147. Blaming those who won’t fix a problem you created will not solve your problem.

148. It isn’t how fast you ride, but where you get to go.

149. Eat your vegetables. Eat your meat. Eat fresh fruit. Avoid fruit juices. Only eat as many carbs as you can burn the same day. Skip the sugar.

150. Despite what Dr Kellogg might have wanted you to believe, cereal is not a food group.

151. Avoid passing on the right at all cost.

152. Loud pipes do not save lives. Loud horns do not save lives. Loud pipes will not make your car, truck, or motorcycle go faster.

153. People will not respect you because you are tough.

154. The vine you pick the most produces the most fruit. Pick early and often never letting fruit ripen on the vine as ripe fruit makes the plant believe its job is done. The same is true of people. The people you pick the most do the most, but if you allow them to ripen they’ll wither and die.

155. You cannot avoid politics but you can walk lightly when around them.

156. Xanthan gum is made from sugar and is of no concern unless sugar is a problem for you.

157. Alcoholism is a disease — hangovers are not. Get your drunk ass up and go to work. Only through suffering the full effect of your disease will chose to get better.

158. Woody Guthrie’s mother told him to put on clean socks every day. Learn from him.

159. Only pay cash to businesses that offer a cash discount. If they offer no such discount then use your cash back or rewards card. It’s only fair.

160. Perhaps the biggest flaw of Religion is that all religions promote exclusiveness over inclusiveness. Us vs them will never know peace.

161. Truth is that which survives the test of time. Speak truth and you will be hated now, and revered later.

162. When in doubt, WACHEMALL, let God sort ’em out.

163. I used to have what I think was a pack rat that left things under my couch cushions. Sometimes it was just nuts and acorns, other times it was coins and jewelry. One time it left a working pocket watch plated in 14 karat gold. Leaving me to wonder what it might have taken from me.

Remember, nothing is really free.

164. When you insult the person who proves you wrong you prove yourself an idiot.

165. The less you eat the less you eat.

166. Heavy loads are easier to carry than to drag and trailers are always a drag. You don’t want to end up with the tail wagging the dog.

167. Just when you think it leaving Summer will return like an angry God of Fire intent on destroying you. Drink lots and lots of water.

168. The longer you live in Idiocracy the longer you shall remain — run!

169. Deliberately spreading lies claiming them to be sarcasm is still deliberately spreading lies and will make you a liar of the worst kind.

170. Failures are caused by giving up on dreams upon which you refused to bend.

172. While I consider myself to be Deist, if you were to ask me what church to join I would probably recommend the Church of Dudeism or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Deists, Dudeist, and Pastafarians who never fight over religion.

173. History teaches us that walls only serve to trap the working classes inside.

174. Popcorn pops when the pressure inside the kernel reaches 135 pounds per square inch. Why should you remember that? Even the most mundane, seemingly safe things can be made dangerous... and useful.

175. Early to bed, early to rise might not make you wealthy or wise, but it gets the job done so you can have more time for yourself.

176. When your engine fails to start then thoroughly clean the battery terminals. Most of the time that will fix the problem.

177. Don’t let the auto-parts store trick you into buying a battery you don’t need. You can’t correctly diagnose a battery until after it has been charged.

178. Superglue can be mixed with fine sawdust, lime, baking powder, starch, metal filings, cement, and dozens of other fine powders to make an inexpensive, hard filler.

179. Showing cleavage won’t fix your face but it might make it easier to live with.

180. Businesses that attempt to get your business using religion are less than secure in their own names. Take your business elsewhere.

181. Create an automobile savings account by putting $50 a month in it for each vehicle to pay for repairs and you’ll never be forced to walk again.

182. Buy your vehicles with the coins you save.

183. Learn to cook simple one pot meals that cost less, are easier to fix, and usually taste the best.

184. Plant fruit trees while you are still young.

185. I once worked on a construction crew in which our supervisor, himself under a lot of pressure to meet deadlines and cost estimates gone awry mostly because of his drinking, concocted a plan to catch up by paying us to work overtime by paying us in beer rather than the customary time and a half overtime pay. Some of the guys were willing to accept the offer but I replied, “My baby boy drinks formula, not beer. No and hell no.”

Schemes like this are common in certain trades, but trust me, anything other than time and a half overtime pay and you’re getting screwed.

Another employer wanted to pay me time and a half under the table meaning he would not be paying into my Social Security, 401 K, and other benefits based on my wages. None of these schemes are to your long term advantage.

186. The most reasonable public response to genocide is to no longer support the regime, even if that regime is your own.

187. Many a time, while working outdoors in the dead of winter I cooked my lunch on a hot tractor or truck exhaust manifold. Sure beats cold sandwiches.

188. Whenever possible, allow others to fight your battles for you. Be a hero only when it really matters, otherwise you will be branded a bully and shunned by all.

189. Patience is a virtue, one that is usually acquired, not assigned at birth. Acquire patience as quickly as you can.

190. I went to Walmart for groceries. As I was leaving, enjoying the view of two attractive young women in shorts and skimpy tops in front and to the left of me, I noticed a new Tesla coming from the right blasting into the pedestrian crossing. So being the hero… er… I mean, asshole I am, I shoved my cart right out in front of the Tesla causing the driver to slam on the brakes and saving 2 heavenly bodies from pain.

Drivers fear collisions with grocery carts more so than with people.

191. History has taught us that betrayal and abandonment are the traits most likely to be found in our companions unless our relationships are forged in strife.

192. Any religion that offers blanket forgiveness of our sins is wrong. In the long term we will be judged on our actions rather than our beliefs be it gods or humans who are our judges.

193. Some books become famous only because they were never needed to start the cooking fires. Others because the publishers buy enough copies to make them best sellers before burning the evidence.

194. Hype can sell anything… for a while. Want proof? Google “pet rocks”.

195. Copyright protection does not apply to AI generated content making it worthless. Just in case you think yourself an AI artist.

196. The old have wisdom to share, but ignore the old who share disdain and blame the young for the state of the world as it is the old who created the world we live in today.

197. Perhaps you’ve seen memes telling you to store eggs in salt for up to 1 year? Here’s some things you need to know.

If you wash your eggs before putting them in salt they will not keep. Eggs naturally have a protective coating that washes off. Eggs have Salmonella and Listeria on the outside of the shell; not on the inside. Salmonella enterica and Listeria monocytogenes survive on salt for several weeks — maybe longer.

Don’t use the salt you’ve been storing your eggs in on your food. Instead, store more eggs in that same salt. Don’t wash your eggs until you are ready to cook them. Eventually you will need to heat the salt in your oven to dry it out.

Grocery store eggs have already been washed (though not well) so keep them in the ‘fridge’. The salt doesn’t really do anything except to draw needed vitamins, minerals, and moisture out of washed eggs. The entire salted egg meme is nonsense. Water glassing eggs allows for real long term storage.

198. The United States Constitution guarantees people’s rights — it doesn’t take them away. If and when the Constitution becomes perverted to take rights away democracy and the Republic will fall.

199. Never gamble with scared money. If you can’t afford to lose it then don’t bet it. Set your limit before you start to play and walk out quietly when you win.

200. Back when I used to haul steel plate on a flatbed, a full load of steel was only 12" tall. Boss lady (Boss’s wife) saw it once and had the next trailer loaded with 4 loads. She had to pay to get it unloaded.

Things are not always what they seem.

201. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander. Sometimes it isn’t good at all.

202. Politicians should have the courage to do what is right and best for their people despite the fact that populist opinions disagree. Never give them a pass for doing wrong.

203. Real martyrs never defend themselves from opinion. They never claim to be martyrs no matter the cause.

204. Any democracy is always 1 election away from anarchy, but anarchy is never voted in. Anarchy can only come after the fall.

205. In practice there is no discernable difference between libertarianism and anarchy. Both are paths to dictatorship and mythological thearchy.

206. Washing cast iron cookware is perfectly alright as long as you dry it immediately so rust doesn’t have time to form. My mother, grandmother, and great grandmother did it and I’m still cooking in those same 100 year pots and skillets today.

207. Aluminum does not make good cookware and non stick coatings only make it worse. They’re bad for your health.

208. If you are in the wilderness you can use sand to scrub pots clean.

209. As my old friend Wooley always says, “Every solution creates another problem.” I don’t know who told Wooley.

210. Bees don’t sting dead people. Hornets? Hornets eat meat. Tobacco makes a good poultice for stings.

211. Conspiracy theories become wildly popular only after governments fail to act in their own best interest. The same can be said for you.

212. Enough for capitalism is always more, more, more…

213. Read the comment thread before replying to keep from being seen as the idiot you remain.

214. If it washes off it isn’t a stain.

215. Tiny things, when done in sufficient numbers, make huge differences.

216. Those who exist in a moral vacuum know no moral bounds.

217. The most reasonable response to genocide is to no longer support the regime.

218. If your sensibilities are too fragile to deal with truth, then I suggest you change your behavior as you get what you give. Truth will always be even if you don’t like it.

219. Your words can hurt you far more than they hurt others; be careful how you use them.

220. History repeats itself when you don’t remember history.

221. Knowledge is power, but you must take care not to use your knowledge foolishly.

222. Never run from a bear. The bear is going to catch you if it wants to so why be tuckered out before the fight starts?

223. If she has a cat, dog, or horse she will always love them more than you.

224. Whataboutisms are the domain of fools.

225. Never get high and drive social media as doing so confirms to the world you are indeed a fool.

226. When women wear bikinis they show 90% or more of their bodies but we men only look at the covered parts. Think about it.

227. Risk remains an ingrained behavior due to the adrenalin rush it provides. So too the addiction to risk.

228. The best revenge is to wish for your enemies every disaster they can bestow upon themselves.

229. Keep your chili powder in the fridge as there are microscopic eggs inside that will produce tiny worms if warm enough to hatch. Paprika too. Not often, but it does happen.

230. The more the merrier? Don’t believe it, the most fun is always had by a few close friends.

231. Never be afraid to speak truth to power, but be ready to duck when you do.

232. If there is an afterlife you will not be judged by what you believe, profess to believe, or the religion you follow. You will be judged by how you treat your fellow man.

233. If there is a god then God is not a religious being but an energy force that flows through all life uninfluenced by the prayers, thoughts, and deeds of humanity.

234. When you tell people you are smart they think you are stupid; when you show them you’re smart they hate and fear you.

235. Hate makes all atrocities possible.

236. Attention whores are like house cats in that they no longer want your attention once they get it.

237. Political debates are nothing but theater and do nothing to serve voters.

238. To never make mistakes is the biggest mistake of them all.

239. To err is human, to fix your error without being discovered is genius.

240. The insanity of the psychopaths among us cannot be explained or understood.

241. Your critics will only ever remember your mistakes. Ignore them.

242. Be all that you can be at the moment and worry about the rest later.

243. You can be alone with others.

244. Get a dog.

245. Avoid tattoos if you have commitment issues.

246. Political activists are more often bought off and burnt out than murdered.

247. In today’s world, anyone who remains an uninformed idiot or brainwashed does so intentionally.

248. A small jar filled with pine oil cleaner left open makes an effective and inexpensive room deodorizer. It requires no electricity and can be shut off by closing the jar.

249. If hate is prerequisite to becoming part of something then not joining becomes a better idea.

250. Learn to accurately read paper maps. Even an old map is better than nothing at all.

251. Math will save your ass, language can save your mind. Become proficient at both.

252. Read the damned instructions. Every time, even if you’ve done it before.

253. Eat before you go to the grocery store.

254. When your car, truck, or motorcycle won’t start (crank) begin by cleaning and tightening the battery cable ends.

255. Learn magnet fishing and panning for gold. You’ll never get rich but it’s a cheap way to pass some time outdoors.

256. Claiming the media isn’t covering a story everyone knows about is absurd, stupid, and a lie. Watch the news.

257. Conspiracies require people. The more people involved the less likely the conspiracy.

258. When people demand justice, it is usually revenge that they seek.

259. Legit missing person reports will show up on law enforcement pages and in media reports. If you can’t find it there, don’t share.

260. If you didn’t enter the contest then you didn’t win.

261. Legitimate money transfer companies collect their fees upon receipt of the money as a deduction from the total sent, not before.

262. Don’t disappear into the wilderness until you have mastered building a fire 3 different ways without using matches, lighters, chemicals, or electronics of any kind.

263. People who profess to believe everything is a lie are themselves liars who believe their own lies.

264. People who stood by and watched you fail are not the people who will help you succeed the next time.

265. The easiest animals to raise for food are chickens, rabbits, Guinee pigs, and catfish.

266. Loud exhausts makes your right foot heavier.

267. People go to extremes to meet their “gurus” not because the “gurus” know more than the rest of us but because the “gurus” are so damned hard to find. Put the guru on the corner and no one will want to see him.

268. Working “under the table” will cost you more in the long run than what you will made due to unpaid Social Security, lost benefits, lack of insurance, a lowered credit rating, and the IRS audits. Get a real job.

269. Turn signals don’t have arms and traffic lights don’t have feet.

270. Despite what you’ve been told, it’s best to stop for yellow lights, and avoid left turns whenever possible.

271. Doors left open behind you allows your darkest thoughts back inside.

272. Communities need to reexamine and redefine economic development and what to expect from economic development. Too much that currently passes for economic development isn’t. What is economic development for your community?

273. Governments are machines, and like all machines, governments require maintenance which is mostly ignored until it is too late.

274. Never trust motorcycle side stands and center stands to bear your weight no matter how many training videos show people doing so.

275. It won’t concern you that people don’t use their turn signals if you just assume they’re not going to anyway.

276. Sometimes Karma is the truck that runs over you after having been forced to swerve by the car you cut off.

277. One night when I was working far away from home I got a call from my Daddy saying, “Did you hear the one about the two ‘possums?”

“Tell me?” I replied.

Daddy told me the joke then hung up the phone as I burst into laughter.

Sometimes a little humor shared is all someone needs.

278. Often you will hear people talking about returning to an imaginary time called the good old days. Trust me, I’m old, it never happened. They are reminiscing a time when they were ignorant of the world.

279. Those steals you find in online ads are most often stolen. Buyer beware.

280. When buying used vehicles, the fewer modifications the better. As my daddy once told me, “Never by a used car with oversized tires, loud exhaust, or a trailer hitch. It’s already worn out.”

281. Like it or not you are going to become an adult. Embrace it and you will have a much easier life.

282. If you can’t manage your own life while still living with your parents you will never be able to manage life on your own.

283. Closure is a myth — get over it.

284. Lies have consequences. Freedom of speech ends when your words cause harm.

285. Never kill anything you don’t intend to eat and never eat anyone you intend to kill.

295. When it comes to finance, sweat the small stuff so you can afford the big stuff. Otherwise you’ll nickel and dime yourself into the proverbial “poorhouse”.

296. If you are going to own a car then you need a car savings account. Fifty dollars a month will cover repairs and maintenance for the life of your vehicle.

297. Drugs, alcohol, and religion are the worst things you can do to your mental health.

298. Faith can only carry you as far as skills and knowledge can bear your weight.

299. True faith requires an open mind to understand that what you believe is sometimes wrong. Faith without science is a fool’s errand.

300. The politician who promises you everything you want is either a liar or a fool, and most likely both.

301. You can’t save the world. The best you can expect is to save a few who are willing to help themselves.

302. Everyone needs a therapist sometimes.

303. Learn how to drive a straight drive.

304. If possible, always buy all your gas from the same station. That way, if you get bad gas you will know exactly where it came from.

305. Keeping your tank full reduces the chance that it will collect water through condensation.

306. Rushing only leads to more problems.

307. Titles are easy to get if you are legally entitled to own the vehicle so there is simply no legitimate excuse for selling a motor vehicle without a title. Remember that when buying used vehicles.

308. If you are reading this you know how to use a knife, fork, and spoon, but do you know how to stop?

309. A bowl of unsweetened applesauce with a teaspoon of cinnamon every day will help you remain healthy. And it tastes good.

310. Tariffs are just another means by which the working classes — meaning you — subsidize big business.

311. It needs to be remembered that when Henry David Thoreau went into the woods to live deliberately on the banks of Walden Pond he was less than one mile from civilization and never in danger except perhaps by his own hand. These days we call that a writer’s retreat. It wasn’t his wilderness experience, but his skills as a writer that made him great.

312. Generally, those who complain loudest about price are those who are most able to afford it.

313. Violence begets violence, hate begets hate, and those who display love will be loved.

314. Answering questions with questions is a diversion, answering questions with answers to different questions is the lie of omission.

315. Always be careful not to open another can of worms before you pick up all the worms from the last can.

316. Anyone can open a can of whoop ass, but few know how to serve it up.

317. When I was a child the steel framed casement windows in our home would freeze… on the inside. As the oldest of 4 it was my job to scrape off the ice so that it didn’t melt and run down the wall.

One day my Daddy started replacing the windows starting with the one in the room my brothers and I shared. He began by removing the interior trim and asked me to hold the window in place while he went outside to remove the nails that were supposed to be holding it in place but before he could get there the window fell out pulling me out with it. “I told you to hold it,” Daddy said, looking at me on the ground on top of the broken window. “Are you okay?”

I wasn’t hurt, but I did feel bad that I was unable to do as Daddy asked, but he quickly made my hurt feelings go away by driving the first nail into the window.

That was 63 years ago and I was all of 5 years old then. As I sit here all these years later looking out that same window I helped my Daddy replace I wish I could do it all over again.

Remember that when you raise your children.

318. Manners are important but a reputation built on honesty is the most valuable thing you will ever own.

319. Pick heroes who are loved for the love they share, and not for the words they speak.

320. If you break it then replace it with one that is better, especially if it was borrowed.

321. Those closest to you are the least likely to repay you what they owe you.

322. As you make your way to the polls keep in mind that politicians — all of them — love to find “problems” provide so-called “solutions” then spend the rest of their days touting how they “fixed” the “problem” when in-fact the real problems never went away.

323. Instead of wondering why our freedoms are being threatened perhaps we should be asking if we were ever really free, and looking to see how it was possible for someone to become so dangerous?

324. The opportunity to dance is only extended to those given the opportunity to access the dance floor.

325. Throughout history, cults have destroyed themselves and everyone around them. Regretfully, it is a lesson every generation must relive and relearn.

326. Become proficient at tying knots before you start your climbs. You never know when you might have to just hang for a while.

327. Know we have the ultimate defense against AI — destroy the grid and return to the stone age. Might help with global warming too.

328. Trikes are for children, grown-ups ride real motorcycles.

329. Compassion that is only extended to the privileged isn’t compassion but favoritism.

330. Dash cams do not make driving safer for anyone.

331. Here in America, intelligent drivers never pass on the right, and they yield even when they have the right-of-way.

332. If we believe in destiny then why vote, why help others, why do anything to help ourselves when nothing changes destiny? Destiny is BS.

333. Positive thinking is great, but no amount of positive thinking can make up for poor planning, lack of skills, and hard work.

334. Old men will lie in the face of facts to promote their ideology as their ideology is the real religion they follow.

335. The lies of omission are the lies most often told, and the lies which destroy the most.

336. The evidence (history) shows that good does not always triumph over evil.

337. There is really only one thing any President can do to lower prices — lower tariffs.

338. Men and women of honor live with their mistakes rather than passing them on to others.

339. A few years ago I watched as a woman stopped her car in front of my house and tossed 2 big bags of garbage into the middle of the street. I immediately called the police and gave them her tag number not expecting any results. Apparently it was a slow crime day as she returned about an hour later escorted by two police cars.

As the garbage bags had already been run over by several cars the garbage had been dragged about two blocks. I sat in a chair and watched as the police made her pick up all the loose garbage and toss it into her car.

Tossing your garbage on others only creates more garbage you will be forced to live with one way or another.

340. Heat is easier to turn up than down. Start low and slowly work your way up lest it goes out of control.

341. The Sunday funny papers make great gift wrapping paper if you can still find them.

342. The wars of the past do not excuse the wars of today or those of the future. The only just wars are the wars fought to resist oppression now. The same is true of your personal life and personal wars.

343. Have a great breakfast and you’ll have a great day.

344. No one cares what you think unless you are famous for doing something stupid.

345. Read The Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig.

346. Never attempt to pet robotic dogs or stump grinders.

347. Carry spare keys in your wallet and don’t leave home without it.

348. Never attempt to gain weight without first discussing it with your doctor as you will probably gain weight eventually.

349. Be humble, be kind, helpful, and industrious.

350. Reprints and used copies of Boy Scout Manuals (Handbooks) prior to 1970 are available — get a print copy as it could save your life.

351. Discover the world while you are young as you may never get another chance.

352. If money grew on trees you’d pick it when its green…

353. Know as you go out into the world, Kung fu won’t stop bullets.

354. Debates are impossible to win. Debate is defined by Oxford Languages as “a formal discussion on a particular topic in a public meeting or legislative assembly, in which opposing arguments are put forward.” Notice the words “opposing arguments” rather than the word, truth. A debate is a performance.

355. Tariffs don’t reduce corporate profits until people stop buying. If importer’s cost of a product is $1.oo and a 25% tariff is added the cost becomes $1.25 but it doesn’t end there. The wholesaler who buys the product adds 25% to his $1.25 cost but 25% of $1.25 is $0.3125 so his sale price becomes $1.5625. Then the wholesaler sells it to the retailer who also adds 25% which is $0.390625 which is added to $1.5625 for a total of $1.953125. That is, assuming the product is not bought and sold several more times before the average retail markup of 50% is added for a total of $2.9296875. Of course these numbers will vary.

356. Hate is fear disguised as anger, 2 sides of the same emotion like a two headed coin that always beats tails.

357. Street smarts are best measured by how long one survives the streets.

358. Always leave the bar before it closes and at the first sign of trouble.

359. The easiest way to stop fighting even though your opponent may attack you still, is to stop fighting. Losing is often the easiest way to win.

360. Never run from bears and big dogs. Stand down and stand your ground even if you lose. You can’t outrun them and you’ll need all the energy you can muster to fight them. Big dogs can be brought down by shoving your hand down its mouth and making a fist in its throat stopping its breathing until it passes out. I never tested that technique on bears.

361. Sweet, fruity and floral scented perfumes, colones, soaps, shampoos, conditioners, toothpaste, and mouthwashes help you attract the opposite sex. They also attract bees, wasps, hornets, bears, and other things that sting and bite.

362. Pick up your feet when walking. Walk tall and briskly, shoulders and head back. People who slouch, look down, and drag their feet are perceived as slothly, lazy, contemptuous, and dishonest even if they are not.

363. The road will never be your home and should you chose life on the road you will never be home even when you’re there.

364. For most grasshoppers your life will never go as planned but it beats getting eaten by a bird.

365. Computers, phones, gaming, and the Internet are addictive — go outside and play while you still can.

Write “Bingo” in the comments if you read all the way to the end.