Is the best man is just an average woman?

We’ve all heard that adage when we’re doomscrolling or lamenting a sour date. I’ve been told that myself too. But what if we’re simply judging each other by the other’s perception of what’s ‘best’?

Consider what women tend to consider the perfect date: the man picks her up at her home (or at her office) with a bouquet of flowers, ferries her to a nice fancy pre-booked dinner, entertain her with exciting conversations and jokes while listening intently to her grouses of the day, handle the bill as he should, and then sends her back home, while keeping the headlights on till she enters her home.

Skip a few of those steps and some would say he’s only doing the “bare minimum”. After all, that’s what female friends would do for each other. But I think therein lies the issue. This is the female conception of a perfect date because it mirrors how women often relate to one another. Female friendships tend to be more conversation-centred. Friends meet up for coffee, brunch, or dinner. They catch up on each other’s lives, exchange stories, vent about work, and celebrate milestones together. The conversation is often the main event.

Men, on the other hand, tend to bond through activities. Consider a good night out for a man and his best mate: he texts him an hour before, they meet at a pub, watch a match with a pint in hand, argue about the offside rule, and go home. It’s absurdly simple yet these friendships last decades, if not a lifetime. When a man knows his best mate is having a bad day, he brings him out to play sports to help him find enjoyment in sorrow; rather than talking for hours over his emotions.

Paul Wright, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of North Dakota sums it best: Women tend to engage each other face to face, while men usually interact side by side.

Of course, these are broad tendencies rather than universal rules. Plenty of women enjoy activity-based friendships, and plenty of men enjoy sitting down for hours over coffee or dinner. But the pattern is common enough to be recognisable.

When women say a man is doing only the bare minimum, they are comparing him against the standards common in female friendships. When men roll their eyes at elaborate girls’ nights out, they are comparing them against the standards common in male friendships. In both cases, people mistake unfamiliar expressions of care for an absence. Both are looking at the other and seeing a deficiency, when they’re seeing a difference. Each is demonstrating effort in a language the other side may not naturally speak.

Perhaps the ideal relationship is when both sides learn to meet in the middle. A man could learn to appreciate the value of planning, thoughtful gestures, and creating space for meaningful conversation. A woman could recognise that not every expression of care comes wrapped in flowers and dinner reservations, and that companionship can be just as genuine when it is expressed through simple activities.

This story is Published in **The Ink Home**.

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