What have I done to deserve this?

A wail of a believer

I collapsed onto my bedroom floor, weeping until my chest ached. Between ragged breaths, I shouted, “Lord, I am alone again! I thought You said You would use me. Five years ago, when I gave my life to You, You promised me a purpose. Is this it? Am I to be useless like this?”

Everywhere I turned — left, right, and center — things were falling apart. “Lord, what is happening? God, abeg, say something. God, abeg.”

I thought I had friends who would stand by me in times of trouble, but they have all drifted away. Even the parents You gave me are gone. It felt like a cruel irony. I wailed until my heart felt heavy with the weight of my own helplessness.

“Am I not a graduate? I am. Did I not serve You in ministry while in school? I did. Why is life ‘outside’ so different?” It felt as if every door was being slammed in my face. “God, You told me to trust You, but I am tired. My relationships are empty; I have nothing to show for them. I HAVE NO MAN!” I screamed at the floor. “Jesus, help me!”

Eventually, the words ran out. I didn’t have the energy left to speak. I slumped against the wall in the dark, clutching my brown Bible to my chest. “Lord,” I whispered, “help me to still trust Your word.” My heart was breaking as the tears continued to flow in the silence.

The most painful part was the silence itself. I begged Him to speak, but I heard nothing. Exhausted by the grief, I finally drifted off to sleep.

In my sleep, a man came to meet me. He looked at me and said He had never left me. Defiant in my pain, I told Him to prove it.

Gently, He began to remind me. He reminded me of the accident He pulled me from. He reminded me of the times He used me to bring joy to others. Then, He spoke the truth of Matthew 6:26–27:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

He placed His hand on my shoulder, and I felt a surge of divine power ripple through me. He spoke of my future, quoting the promise: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived — the things God has prepared for those who love Him.”

He showed me a vision of where I was headed and whispered, “The glory of the latter shall be greater than the former.”

“Ecclesiastes speaks of times and seasons,” He told me. “This is but a season. You are My vessel; do not underestimate yourself. I have helped you so that you can help others. I will recover every lost year until it is as if this pain never happened. I will wipe your tears and use you to lift others up. My dear child, I am still here. When your faith shakes, look at the sky and remember: I am not the author of confusion. I love you deeply.”

I woke up instantly.

The heaviness was gone. “Thank You, Jesus, for helping my unbelief,” I whispered. I reached for my phone and saw messages and a missed call from a member of my church.

Nothing changed overnight. It was a gradual process of holding onto God’s Word and “warring” with His promises when things looked bleak. But in less than six months, my entire life transformed.

Dear Believer, I know you are carrying a heavy load right now. Please, find solace in God’s Word. Stay with it. It is hard, but hold on — because at the appointed time, the vision shall speak.

Your Brother, Temiloluwa