Here’s How to Make a Good Fucking Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich, Einstein

Here’s How to Make a Good Fucking Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich, Einstein

Weird Fucking Aunt Laura shows you how to make an American classic — while there’s still an America to fuck about in

There’s still one good thing about America. If you can fucking afford the bacon. Genuine sandwich and genuine photo of the fucking sandwich by this fucking author, who, as you can see, does not fuck around.

Let me help you, you helpless fucker.

I know that my country has fallen hard in the eyes of the world, and you probably fucking despise us, but there are still a few good things about the U.S.A.

We have a lot of simple, tasty dishes.

Today, for the benefit of my countrymen and women too clueless to figure this the fuck out, as well as all of your who are fucking lucky enough to live somewhere else, I will tell you how to make the classic American diner offering, the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, a.k.a., the immortal BLT.

Well, not immortal, because all the wheat might die, or tomatoes will stop growing, or the pigs just might get together and kill us all. All of that could fucking happen now that Beelzebub is in the White House.

Now, we did not exactly invent this culinary delight.

Bacon probably originated with the Chinese, who invented everything when my dumb fucking blond ancestors were hitting each other with clubs, and was further improved by Romans, of course.

The combination of bacon, lettuce and tomato may not have originated here, either. It may have been a popular tea sandwich in Jolly Old Fucking Victorian England.

Nor did we invent bread, believe it or not. We have old-time, fucking hippie bread bakers to thank for the fact that you can still get a decent loaf in this country.

Hippies, during the 1970s back-to-the-land period, got thoroughly sick of Mom and Dad’s idea of good bread, which was lily-white Wonder Bread, and learned how to do it right so that we can eat fucking rustic sourdough.

But, as you can see in the above photo, I am capable of sinking to the level of using regular, cheap fucking American white bread.

What’s so good about the BLT, as we fondly call it? It’s a matter of hot and cold ingredients and various textures, hard and soft, moist, juicy and dry, soft and crisp, accented by whatever fucking lethal combination of salt and sugar the bacon was cured in.

It’s American in the sense that it’s cheap, fast, and fatty, like our current President. He can’t eat one. He won’t eat anything that’s not fast food, mass-produced somewhere and delivered to the White House daily, because for some fucking reason, the dear man thinks someone might poison him.

All you need is bacon, fresh lettuce, a good-sized, juicy tomato, bread, butter and mayo. You have to be pretty fucking hard core to add more salt.

One reason this became popular in the mid-twentieth century postwar America is that well-stocked, self-service grocery stores had become ubiquitous, and these ingredients were really fucking cheap and easy to find. Beelzebub fixed that for us. Now fucking bacon costs as much per pound as fucking beef used to.

If you think making a fucking BLT is easy, you’ve never fucking made one

Sure you can throw it together. Slap a large glob of mayo on two slices of toast, add a nice, thick slice of tomato to make it juicy, a large pile of half-burnt, tightly curled bacon, and some lettuce. Now, put the mess together and bite.

The moment you do that, your crisp, curly bacon breaks up and starts to fall on your plate. Assuming you’re using plate and it doesn’t fall on your fucking pants as you recline on your sofa.

The tomato is too thick a slice. It’s also a tomato with a thick skin, which means you have to bite with more force, so now the bacon is bailing out of your sandwich and you’re looking for the pieces.

You eat it all the slimy bits with your fucking fingers.

Let’s do it right

This isn’t sandwich making, this is sandwich engineering. Let me help you, you helpless fucker.

Yield: Two sandwiches

Prep time: 30 minutes if you take my fucking advice about how bacon should be cooked if it’s going into a sandwich.

So, step one: Cook the fucking bacon

First, Einstein, you want the bacon to be flat, not curly.

To get pretty flattened bacon, slap some fucking parchment paper on a sheet pan and lay the fucking bacon on it.

Cut each slice in half so you don’t have to cut it to fit the sandwich after it’s cooked and fucking break it. It should break when it’s inside your fucking mouth and you’re chewing it and not before.

Depending on how much of a pig you are, this should be maybe four fucking short slices per sandwich. If you do the fucking math, that’s four full slices of bacon for two people.

Stick it in to a preheated, 375-degree oven for 21 minutes. This is a nice window of time to do all the other fucking stuff you now need to do.

Step two: Set out your fucking ingredients and tools. That’s fucking right — plan the fuck ahead for a change

You need a good knife. If you only want to use one knife, because you’re some weird fucking minimalist or you only own one, make it a very sharp knife.

You need a cutting board. That’s it for tools.

You need a ripe red, large fucking tomato, sliced about a quarter of an inch thick. Use a ruler, fucker. This is important if you don’t want thick slices of tomato sliding out and hitting the wall when you bite in.

You need some fucking bread. Sourdough has some actual fucking flavor but plain old, commercial white bread will work fucking fine.

You need lettuce. Be sure to fucking wash it thoroughly to avoid giving yourself and the unfortunate fucker who’s getting the other sandwich a nice fucking case of cyclosporiasis, the symptoms of which I am not going to discuss here because this is a classy fucking article.

You need mayo and if you’re a classy fucker like me, you also need softened butter.

Now Einstein, you may have figured out that what follows is not exactly advanced fucking physics.

You either warm your sourdough bread, which you can do in 15 seconds in the microwave, or you toast either your fancy-pants sourdough or your poor fucker’s cheap white bread. Keep it warm until the final assembly.

Place four slices on the cutting board. Coat each with a thin layer of softened butter, and then a layer of mayo. Don’t slather it on because it will ooze the fuck out while you’re trying to fucking eat it, causing all the sandwich components to slide onto your plate.

Sandwich making tip: always use something to coat the fucking bread and spread it to perfectly in a thin layer to cover the bread, leaving no part of the fucking bread uncoated, because then you’ll be biting into a sandwich that is dry at the corners.

Lay down slices of tomato on top of each fucking slice. Be fucking careful that you place them so that they don’t end up sliding the fuck out of your fucking sandwich. Also, don’t fucking overdo tomatoes.

Now put your bacon on the sandwich. This is the purpose of making flat bacon. It makes the whole process of assembly the easiest fucking thing you’ve done all fucking day. And if you are still reading this fucking article, you’ve taken it easy all your fucking life, like me, and now have nothing better to do because you’re probably fucking unemployed, or fucking “retired” like me, which means fucking unemployed.

Now, class, a quiz to see if you’ve been paying any fucking attention at all.

Quiz

What the fuck do you put on top of the tomato to create a finished fucking BLT?

Hint: What does BLT stand for?

What you should have accomplished by now

Now you should have two dandy, very neat-looking sandwiches that you can enjoy with your friend without watching all the ingredients fucking slide off onto your fucking plate.

I have used 77 instances of the word, “fuck,” because I’m new here at Another Fucking Publication and I am fucking desperate to impress you fuckers. Now I’ve used 80.

Sources:

My vast culinary expertise and a lot of fucking life experience.