These 5 Low-Effort Tools Have Increased My Charisma and Strengthened My Relationships

How to improve your charisma by using 5 simple tools I learned from 3 bestselling books and 4 expert-led podcasts

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

“I feel so awkward.”

After months cooped up at home caring for a newborn, I felt like an impostor the first time my husband and I went out to a party.

“It’s like I’ve forgotten how to interact like a normal person,” I told my husband, who shared he also felt weird — weird like when life resumed post-pandemic.

Our social skills had become rusty.

Now, I wasn’t the life of the party pre-motherhood. I wish.

As an introvert, I’ve always struggled to build rapport and deepen relationships. For years, I’ve been reading books and listening to podcasts on charisma — but I’d never actually taken action until I went to that party and felt completely out of place.

Fortunately, since I’d long told myself I was going to do a charisma-boosting challenge, I already had summaries with all the best tips I’d learned from the experts. I’d even contrasted the different viewpoints to find similarities.

Best of all?

One fact all experts agree on is that charisma is learnable. Although some people have an edge over others, we can all improve our charisma. All it takes is dedicated effort — and knowing what to do.

Although there are many tools experts recommend we use to improve our charisma, it can be overwhelming to take on too much, too soon, which is why I’m sharing here the top 5 that have been — in my experience — the most low-effort yet high-efficacy for quickly improving charisma and strengthening relationships.

These 5 have helped me feel more confident in social gatherings — and they’ve even helped me deepen relationships I once thought would only be surface-level.

I hope they help you too.

Note: The tools below come from 3 bestselling books and 4 expert-led podcasts (no affiliate links):

• How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie (a classic).

• The Charisma Myth: How to Engage, Influence and Motivate People by Olivia Fox Cabane.

• Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication by Vanessa Van Edwards.

• Vanessa Van Edwards podcast interview on The Diary of the CEO.

• The second Vanessa Van Edwards podcast interview on The Diary of the CEO.

• Charlie Houpert podcast interview on The Diary of the CEO.

• Professor Alison Wood Brooks podcast interview on The Diary of the CEO.

There are many other books and expert-led podcast interviews out there. But these are the ones that were the most helpful for me. And if you want to learn more about improving charisma, I’d highly suggest you check them out.

Tool #1. One More Sentence

Charlie Houpert, a charisma expert with around 7 million followers on YouTube, has repeatedly said in interviews (like the one I linked to in the note above) that the first step toward improving our charisma is to overcome shyness.

Put another way, to become more charismatic, we first need to be comfortable starting conversations with others.

As an introvert, this was a real challenge. I was the kind of person who liked to go unnoticed while doing errands or going about my business. Yes, I said “hi” and “thank you” — but that was about it.

Going beyond pleasantries felt impossible (and sometimes still does).

Was it fear that people would respond badly or ignore me? Perhaps. But what I now realize is that this made me seem distant and uninterested when I was actually hungry for connection.

Fortunately, this has started to change now that I’ve put into practice Houpert’s simple tool for overcoming social anxiety: one more sentence.

To become more comfortable with striking up a conversation, try to say one more sentence in all your interactions for a couple of weeks. This can be an extra question or just a comment about the weather.

Below is Houpert’s explanation:

[embed]How to improve your charisma by overcoming shyness.

In my case, applying the one more sentence tool looked like this:

• Whenever I went to the supermarket, I’d say something extra to the cashier, like, “It’s really crowded in here today.” This led to short but pleasant conversations about which days and hours were the busiest.
• Whenever I ran into a neighbor (I live in an apartment building with lots of neighbors), I’d ask about their health or about their dog’s name and breed (not that I know anything about dog breeds).
• Whenever I arrived at lunch at my in-laws’, rather than just saying “Hi” and “How are you?” to someone before moving on to someone else, I’d actually ask an extra question or praise something I liked about their outfit, which usually led to a short conversation that went beyond pleasantries.

Saying one more sentence in each of my daily social interactions for a month helped me feel more comfortable with going beyond pleasantries — and actually helped me deepen relationships with neighbors.

For instance, my upstairs neighbor even gave us a present for our baby, which would’ve never happened if my husband and I hadn’t made an effort to go beyond pleasantries.

If you don’t know where to start to improve your charisma, simply say one more sentence.

Tool #2. Start With Intention

Vanessa Van Edwards, charisma expert and bestselling author, explains in the podcast interviews above that social interactions are actually extremely hard for our brains.

We have to listen to what the other person is saying, think about a response that makes sense, and analyze the nonverbal cues in the background. It’s mental gymnastics at its finest.

That’s why we’ve all had the unfortunate experience of realizing we forgot to ask or say something important when the conversation is already over.

Ugh.

Imagine: Wouldn’t your interactions be deeper and more engaging if you always remembered that thing you wanted to ask or say?

A charismatic person is likable. People like them. And what’s one of the reasons why? Because they show genuine interest and make others feel important.

One way to do so — according to Van Edwards — is to start with intention.

Whenever you’re going to see someone, spend a couple of minutes beforehand thinking about the last time you spoke. Is there something you’d like to follow up on? Were they working on something important? Was one of their relatives sick?

Dedicating just a couple of minutes to brainstorming topics and questions that’ll make the other person feel seen will make all your conversations richer.

In my case, applying this tool has looked like this:

• Before going to my in-laws’, I’ll always talk with my husband about the last time we went to his parents’ home so we can remember what was going on in everyone’s lives. This makes it easier to know what to say and ask.
• Before starting an English class (I’m an English teacher by day), I always review the notes I took from our last class so I can ask about relatives or special events. This makes my students feel cared for.

If you know you’re going to a social event, devote a couple of minutes to thinking about relevant topics and questions. This will help you start with intention and make others feel seen.

Note: Keeping notes on your phone can also be useful. Once you leave a social gathering, write down whatever you want to follow up on so that a quick glance is all you need before seeing someone again.

Tool #3. Leave Topic Crumbs

Nothing’s worse than being stuck in a dead-end conversation.

“How are you?”

“Good. And you?”

“Good.”

And then… Silence. The most awkward silence in the world, followed by terrible anxiety as you hurry to think of what else to say — anything just so the agonizing silence can end.

But there’s a solution, a way to forever steer clear of stale interactions: leaving topic crumbs.

According to Charlie Houpert, dedicating just a few minutes to brainstorming more interesting answers to typical questions like “How are you?” or “What do you do for a living?” is the best way to improve conversations. In these “leveled-up” answers, we should plant topic crumbs — snippets of our lives — so the other person can hook into them and ask follow-up questions.

Below you can see Houpert’s example:

[embed]How to improve your charisma by leaving topic crumbs

In my case, instead of saying, “Good” or “Fine” when someone asks, “How are you?”, I’ll always try to add some extra information that merits a follow-up question.

For example: “I’m generally fine, though a bit tired. Juggling work with being a new mother is a real challenge, especially now that my baby is teething and is learning how to crawl.”

This almost always leads to questions about my baby or work, which can easily turn into full-blown conversations.

As for you, simply devote some time to thinking a more detail-filled answer to typical question so you offer potential topics that can lead to more interesting conversations.

Note: Another of Houpert’s recommendations is to give a numerical answer when someone asks, “How are you?” So, instead of saying, “Good”, try saying “Maybe a 7.” This will always lead to genuine interest.

Tool #4. Keep Interesting Questions in Your Back Pocket

Although leaving topic crumbs when you answer typical questions is already a great way to avoid boring conversations, there’s another strategy that never fails: keeping interesting questions in your back pocket.

As Vanessa Van Edwards suggests, why not avoid the typical questions altogether and instead ask questions that force the other person to give an answer that’s more conducive to a richer conversation?

In her own words:

[embed]How to improve your charisma by keeping interesting questions in your back pocket.

As you can see, instead of asking, “How are you?”, why not ask, “What’s good?” as this forces the other person to offer more than just “Good” and actually give you something meaningful you can follow up on.

And instead of asking, “What do you do for a living?”, why not ask, “Working on anything interesting recently?” This will immediately lead to a conversation about something the other person cares about, making them feel seen.

In my case, I now always start my English classes by asking, “What’s the most interesting thing that happened to you since the last time we met?”

This always is a great conversation starter that pleases my students because we end up talking about a movie they liked, an event they attended, or something else they truly care about.

Tool #5. Make Small Body Language Tweaks

Another point that all charisma experts agree on is that our body language is vital to making ourselves likable.

The good news is that even small tweaks can make a big difference, which is something Vinh Giang, a communication expert, focuses on in his massive YouTube channel.

Here’s an example of 5 that have truly made a difference in my life:

[embed]How to improve your charisma by improving your body language.

Here’s a summary:

• Using the computer gesture to make the other person feel like you’re really listening and thinking about what they’re saying. (You can see an example of the gesture in the video above).
• Ensuring your face matches your words. If you’re sad, don’t smile. If you’re happy, don’t seem deflated. It’s just weird.
• Increasing the amount of gestures you use when talking makes what you’re saying more engaging. Vinh suggests we imagine we’re playing charades when talking, so we’re forced to use our hands to exemplify what we’re saying.
• Switching your attention from the left to the right eye, then to the nose bridge, improves your eye contact game. This makes you look attentive without seeming weird. Vinh calls this the triangle technique.
• Keeping your hand gestures between your belly and your eyes is what Vinh calls the “powersphere.” This shows high charisma.

Using these small tweaks has made my conversations more engaging and more fun.

Build Charisma One Rep at a Time

When it comes to charisma, all experts agree that there’s bad news and good news.

The bad news is that even if we apply all the tools and tricks they recommend, us mortals will never be the most charismatic person in the world. Some people do have an edge.

But the good news is that there’s still plenty we can work on — and that can already have a massive impact on our lives. Houpert himself used to be quite clueless in the charisma department (you can listen to more about his story in his podcast interview) until he started applying the tools he recommends and has now become highly charismatic.

So, if you’re a fellow introvert, have hope.

I’ve already seen what 5 simple tools can do to improve charisma and strengthen relationships. And I’m sure you’ll also see improvements if you:

• Say one more sentence when interacting with people.
• Start with intention to ensure you follow up on the topics that matter to others.
• Leave topic crumbs when answering typical questions to avoid stale conversations.
• Keep interesting questions in your back pocket so you make conversations engaging from the start.
• Make small tweaks to your body language to become more likable.

Building charisma is like building muscle. One rep at a time is all it takes to see improvements and change your life.