Healthy Relationships

What Is Emotional Availability? (Why It Matters in Dating)

If you’ve ever been in a relationship where one person pulls away, this may explain why.

Photo by Nil Alves from Pexels

If you spend as much time as I do observing people in the dating scene or couples navigating their relationships, I’m sure you’ll also realize the same things I did.

A big one is just how complicated feelings are.

Because it’s not only about chemistry or romantic interest. It’s not even just a matter of sincere affection. To be successful in dating, you’ll also need to be emotionally available.

And honestly? Many people aren’t.

That’s why you have pairs hitting it off and getting to know each other only for one to pull away with no clear explanation months later. It’s also a good reason why many couples have no problem being physically intimate while still failing at communication. Or even trust.

I’ve been finding myself constantly telling people lately: Without emotional availability, there’s no emotional connection. And without emotional connection, it’s hard for a relationship to last.

So you best believe it’s something you need to work on as soon as possible.

What Is Emotional Availability in Theory?

Simply put, it’s being able to handle feelings (both yours and your partner’s). This means you’re willing to express what you feel and be vulnerable. You’re also responsive when someone opens up to you.

In an article from TIME magazine, marriage and family therapist Tara Gogolinski said emotional availability isn’t binary. Instead, it’s a spectrum where people have different tolerances and capabilities. You can be open in some areas of your life but closed off in others.

But before you go down the rabbit hole, it’s important to understand that emotional unavailability rarely happens in a vacuum.

Another therapist, Greg Bodin, explained that people who struggle with this usually developed the pattern early in life. If your caregivers in childhood didn’t provide warmth or if they discouraged emotional expression, you’d have ended up relying only on yourself.

This gets carried into adulthood as a low tolerance for closeness, even when it comes to dating.

But in the same TIME article, psychologist Alexandra Solomon pointed out that “emotionally unavailable” isn’t a clinical diagnosis. It’s a description of a pattern. That’s why she encourages people to get specific about what they’re seeing rather than relying on labels.

If you think you’re dating someone who isn’t emotionally available, you should also look at yourself. Is it possible you’re not giving your partner enough space to be open with you?

4 Signs You’re Dating Someone Who Isn’t Emotionally Available

Let’s go back to the couples whose failed relationships I’ve witnessed over the years.

We’ll never know for sure if emotional unavailability was the reason behind their lack of success, but we can look at common signs that point to that being the case:

1. You feel like you’re the only one putting in effort.
2. Your partner deflects when things get serious (usually through humor).
3. They’re inconsistent and moody.
4. They’re clearly uncomfortable with your emotions.

If you see these signs consistently, I urge you to pay attention. Bodin links them to Avoidant Attachment Style, a pattern that is again formed early in life when emotional expression wasn’t allowed or welcomed.

Obviously, it’s not an excuse, but it helps us understand the issue better. Most of us ignore the signs until it’s too late, so it’s helpful if you’re aware when you start dating someone.

After all, your romantic energy is better spent on someone who is receptive to it.

What Is Emotional Availability in Practice?

Theory is nice, but we need to see all of this in practice.

One aspect to look at is how emotionally available people do specific things. They often stay in a conversation even when things get uncomfortable instead of leaving or changing the subject. They also say what they feel instead of just making you guess.

Earning their attention doesn’t force you to perform a “perfect” version of yourself. You can be completely sincere.

Now let’s check the other side of the coin. It’s admittedly harder to look at your own patterns.

If you’re repeatedly drawn to partners who keep you at arm’s length, there’s usually a reason for that. Maybe the push-and-pull feels familiar. Maybe part of you is avoiding real closeness without realizing it. This is very common in couples today, with someone wanting emotional connection but always choosing people who can’t seem to give it.

It’s why I tell my clients that love isn’t always about physical chemistry or grand romantic gestures. They feel good, yes, but they don’t sustain a relationship.

Instead, it’s the small, consistent stuff. Your partner casually letting you know if something you said hurt them. All the secrets you share. The ease with which you can read each other’s moods.

If a true emotional connection is what you’re looking for, then start working on your emotional availability. It’s how you’ll learn to recognize the same in the new people you meet and the potential new lovers you connect with.

It’s the only way to make all the hassle of dating worth it.

References

Bodin, Greg. 2025. “What’s Your Attachment Style? About Avoidant Attachment—Anxiety Therapy for Men in San Francisco & California.” Greg Bodin, LMFT. https://www.gregbodin.com/blog/avoidant-attachment.

Haupt, Angela. 2026. “6 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable, According to Therapists.” TIME. https://time.com/article/2026/04/03/emotionally-unavailable-partner-signs-therapists/.

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