Polyamory and Neurodiversity

Photo by Marlis Trio Akbar on Unsplash

In today’s therapy session I realized I’d never really thought about the “why” of my love of polyamory and how it ties into neurodivergence. The following was my internal exploration of my link with both.

I was explaining to my therapist why polyamory is such a good fit for me, and that it wasn’t just because I have a lot of love to give, but that I also enjoy receiving love from multiple people. This might be something that is quite obvious — who doesn’t enjoy receiving love? But I think it relates to neurodivergence and why so many of us (especially us queer folk) who are also in polyamorous relations also have some sort of neuro-spicy diagnosis.

We are taught from an early age that heterosexual relationships are the “norm” — that moving outside those confines breaks unspoken rules. The expectations of society to get married and have children are heavy and it’s something as a mom myself I experienced. I got married and we had a child together and things were okay. Except they weren’t.

I didn’t realize that I was living a lie. I was pretending in more ways than one. I was questioning not only this hetero-normative lifestyle and relationship, but also my gender. My sexuality not so much, because I’ve been some form of Bisexual and/or Pansexual most of my life. But I was walking around with this mask, not just an autistic mask, and it was causing me a lot of depression.

Well, a couple of years ago something wonderful had happened — my wife and I separated. Not legally or anything because neither of us can afford the punishment tax that is the legal systems fees of not being married anymore. It wasn’t a difficult breakup though; it felt mutual — that we should have been friends from the start. Neither of us was getting what we wanted from our relationship and that’s something we wished we’d had the words for us to discuss in the very beginning, twelve years prior.

That’s all to say that the reason I love polyamory is because I lived that lie already and I believe so many of us who are queer are already able to think outside the box that is society’s expectations of us. It seems that so many of us who are queer, especially genderqueer, have some form of neurodivergence that gives us this ability. The ability to break free of those rigid bonds.

I enjoy loving and being loved by multiple people. I have a lot of love to give and I enjoy not being confined to a singular person — just as much as I enjoy being my true gender. It’s freedom to be who I truly am and to love who I want.

To be clear, this isn’t just about sex. While sex can definitely be part of a poly dynamic, as is for many, it’s not a strict requirement for me. I can feel and give pleasure without penetrative sex or be close to someone in non-sexual ways. A favorite of mine is to just cuddle — just being close to someone brings me lot of joy. Sharing these intimate moments is huge for me.

Polyamory for me is free of the expectations set by society at large that I’ve already experienced before. There are and will be hiccups along the way, sure, but that’s the beautiful thing about it. Everyone experiences love differently and wants something that makes sense to them. Being poly and neurodivergent is a flavorful mix of being able to understand your partners especially when they do share similar traits. All five of my partners are either autistic, ADHD, or both, and are trans-feminine — and that’s not me saying all polyamorous individuals are neurodivergent and/or transgender — polyamory is for everyone. But I believe polyamory comes easier to those of us who are neurodivergent because we see the world differently. We already live outside those expectations and have already been asked so much by society, that perhaps we gravitate towards one another?

There is comfort in knowing when I’m with someone who I share certain diagnosis and love with that we will understand one another. I feel comfortable when I’m with someone I can leave the mask off with. Wearing a mask all the time is brutally uncomfortable and if I can take it off with someone, making my stimming noises and tying song lyrics to everyday conversations with them, then that’s a wonderful feeling.

:3

I’d like to read your thoughts on how you view polyamory and neurodivergence. This is my first article on Medium and I’d appreciate feedback and maybe even a follow. Thanks!