The paradox of self-awareness

Wtf why do “self-aware” people suffer the most?

Healing is hard

Photo by Enrico Da Prato on Unsplash

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You seem reflective and understanding. Do you? Truly conscious of every act, every word, every move you take. Instead of getting on nerves, you choose to stay quiet. You become empathetic. You accept people’s behaviours because you have the ability to put yourself in their shoes.

Without ever realizing, you too feel emotions; even a minor inconvenience doesn’t go unnoticed by you

There is a strong ache in noticing things on a deeper level. You are too aware to miss the shift in someone’s voice, a change in behaviour that no one else seems to notice. You overthink your intentions. You prioritize their decisions over your emotional reactions. You wonder, what if I had behaved even better? What would have happened if you never made that mistake?

At first, it honestly feels like maturity. Like you feel you are a highly emotionally intelligent person. And there’s so much room for everyone in your life.

But slowly, it turns into poisoning your own blood.

Because when you are too self-aware, you become aware of everything you do. Every thought, every feeling, every flaw becomes room for improvement. You become the full-time observer of your own existence.

Somewhere in all of this, you start punishing yourself for things not even done by you. (Most people do things and then forget in thirty seconds.) Still, you cringe over that one sentence you said two weeks ago.

You overanalyze your tone, your words, your reactions. And with it comes self-blame.

You fear being accountable for your actions. You wear them around your neck like invisible necklaces. You adjust. You cut, you edit yourself just to fit into the perfect frame you constructed for yourself.

In doing all of this, you lose something. Deep inside. The essence. The charm of being who you are, beyond empathy.

When you work on your self-esteem, you don’t realize one day it can be a toxic self-awareness. You do your best not to hurt anyone, even if you get hurt many times. You measure mistakes as catastrophic, as if the world will reject the real you unless you constantly self-edit

You become like a bridge whose one end feels like a prisoner and the other is the guard.

You doubt your intentions. You question your worth. You become more and more self-aware of how you come across. And gradually, it ruins your confidence.

You swallow every hard pill and call it i am a very emotional intelligent person.

You think through every possibility from the other person’s perspective because that’s what emotionally intelligent people do.

Unfortunately, sensitive people often fall into this trap. Not because they are powerless to do anything. Rather, because they feel too much, and with it they choose to stay silent.

You might have many people telling you:

Sun never sets on highly emotionally intelligent people (a true compliment may be)

I hope so, oh I hope so.

But let me mention

You shouldn’t be guilty all the time. You too deserve days, noons, nights... when you do not overthink your previous thoughts. No one has the right to swing you back and forth like a pendulum on a clock.

Being self-aware is like seeing beauty in yourself and in everything around you. It helps you to reflect: there is pride in being open-minded, avoiding remarks about race, religion, or gender.