500 Word Goal

I promised myself five hundred words today. That wouldn’t have been a problem usually, but I had to run some errands and that meant riding the bus. Several of them. Unfortunately, the buses in my city are messed up right now so they aren’t on a feasible schedule for what I needed them for. I had to get on two buses to get to my first errand. Then back on the bus to transfer to a bus that didn’t even go to where I needed to be because they didn’t have a driver, & the bus would be delayed by an hour. So, I jumped on a bus that got me within a 17-minute walk to where I needed to be for my second errand. It is ninety-five degrees outside right now. I brought my umbrella to shade myself a bit, but it was a bit windy. Soooo, the shade kept me from boiling, but the wind provided resistance. The bus was also still delayed when I got done at my second errand & was ready to go home. So, I walked home carrying my bounty. It was hot, & I’m tired & cranky, but here I am trying to whip out five hundred words, so I don’t let myself down.

On a happy note, I have plans to hang out with a guy I’ve been talking with tonight. I haven’t scared him off yet… which is promising. I haven’t hidden anything from him. I’ve told him about my D.I.D. I’ve explained how I’m integrated. He seems intrigued. He seems to understand… Am I understood? For the first time… I don’t think I’ve ever really been understood. This is a bit scary, but I also long to be understood. Always misunderstood. Bullied since birth. The mother that was supposed to love me, care for me, protect me… harmed me. Purposefully. She recruited others to hurt me.

I learned that loving my own child was as natural as BREATHING. It was effortless. That both began to heal me & broke me irrevocably. How could love be so natural for someone that had never felt true unconditional love until I quite literally portaled a human onto this planet? Yeah, I’m aware how sad that is. Not looking for pity, just understanding.

I’m still a little worried that I may not be able to love another human in the capacity of forever. My first forever person was my kid. Most of the people in my life prior to my kid were conditional love people. My ex even told me that he never loved me. Which completely fit with his actions. My mother & my ex are narcissists. Narcissists tend to have flying monkeys, people in which they use to attack the scapegoat. Their target. ME in the cases of my mom & my ex.

I’m nearly there. Honestly, I’m going to post this. Maybe, I’ll make five cents. It is a drop in the bucket for this greedy society, but I can’t stop trying.