Always Question. Always Decide for Yourself.

Life is hard. That’s a given. It is natural to look to others for advice, for guidance. It is even prudent. But there is a point where seeking advice can become abdicating responsibility for your own decisions. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of assuming that an “expert” knows more than you do and just blindly following their advice.

Religion is one of the biggest pitfalls. Because religion’s entire purpose is telling you how to live your life. This may be well-intentioned. But what makes that pastor or that deacon qualified to tell you how to live your life? Many people seek marriage counseling from ministers. Does that minister have a degree in marriage and family counseling? Most do not. Priests are certainly not qualified to give marriage advice. Yet we act like they have special God-given wisdom that somehow surpasses logic. I have personally known many, many ministers in my life and they are just people. The fact that society places these people on a pedestal is mind-boggling.

Besides religion, people look to all kinds of other sources for guidance — crystals, tarot cards, angels, psychics, astrology. I have known several people who have left traditional religion behind and then immediately turned to one of these alternative versions of spirituality. But it seems clear to me that they are simply looking for someone else to tell them how to live their life. I understand the desire. When I was taking a critical look at the religion I was raised in, I started looking into other religions. This felt subversive to me as this had been strictly forbidden. I was drawn to Buddhism and Taoism. I found principles I agreed with, but other things I did not. It then occurred to me that I could very well commit myself to one of these religions and realize decades later that it was all a sham, just like I had done with the religion I had grown up in. I did not want to waste another thirty years of my life ceding my autonomy to another organization. I decided that I would just keep the things that resonated or made sense to me and ignore the rest. I would no longer be part of any organized religion. I would create my own set of principles to live by.

Religion and its alternatives might be the biggest systems influencing people’s lives, but they are not the only ones. There are unspoken societal “rules” that pressure us into living our lives a certain way. We are supposed to go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, and have kids. Any deviance from this plan is seen as abnormal — an “alternative” lifestyle, “alternative” having a negative connotation instead of simply being another option. But who said this is the norm? Or even that it should be our goal?

Societal pressure is even harder if you’re a woman. Women are policed by society from the minute they are born. Girls are taught that they should be quiet and nice, dress modestly, get good grades, do what they’re told, and be respectful. You are “allowed” to have a career nowadays, but it must take a backseat to your marital and parental obligations. Everyone else in the family comes first and if you can find some spare time in there somewhere, then, sure you can have a little career. Even if you’ve managed to have a more high-powered career, if there is a family need it is you who is expected to take care of it. If that interferes with work, then your career will just have to suffer — “for the sake of the family.” God forbid the man should be affected in any way.

Beyond society in general, any type of organization you interact with is going to have its own set of norms and expected behavior, often unwritten and discovered by trial and error. It is easy to assume that these rules are in place for a reason. That they serve a greater purpose, perhaps something you just aren’t aware of. But it is exactly this assumption that I want to challenge. Ask yourself, “What purpose does this serve?” “Who is benefiting from this rule?” Perhaps the rule is reasonable and logical. But often, the organization is trying to extract information or labor from you that it does not need nor is it entitled to. And frequently, organizations attempt to control your behavior by trying to make you feel guilty if you do not do what they want.

Schools and school activities are a great example of this. Parents are incessantly bombarded with requests to volunteer and donate. Yes, schools are underfunded and they need the help. But does it make you a bad person if you are unable or unwilling to do so? They certainly would like you to think that.

What about those requests for donations when you are checking out at a grocery or other retail store? Want to contribute $1 to help feed the homeless? It’s such a small amount and such a good cause, of course you do. But what is really going on is that store is using your contribution as a way to avoid paying taxes. Thousands of small donations from us add up to a big tax deduction for them. If they cared about the homeless, they would donate to the charity themselves. (They also would not throw out unsold food instead of giving it to someone who needs it.) But that pang in your chest when you are asked to donate? They are counting on you to feel guilty and be too embarrassed to say no.

So, what’s a person to do? Question. Question everything. Is it reasonable for this person or organization to ask this of me? Who really benefits from this? Be especially on guard if you are being made to feel guilty about something. Guilt is an extremely common manipulation tactic. The most important thing is that you decide for yourself what you believe and what you will do. We are all responsible for our own actions. So let’s make sure that we are actually choosing how we act, not simply living life on autopilot doing what everyone tells us to do. Always question. Always decide for yourself.

Originally published at https://www.thefairersex.org on March 29, 2026.