“The Storm” — Remembering the beast of the past

Recovery from complex PTSD is raw, messy, gut-wrenching and utterly devastating. And yet somehow, even during my most desolate moments of pain and despair, where I feel as though I am reliving hell, creativity sparks. This piece is an example of how I found the words to express my experiences during an extremely painful time.

“From the depths I call to you

To remind you now and then

There was a time a storm came through

And it seemed to never end

The seas would rage, and crash and roar

The claps of thunder and lightning

Broken waves on jagged shores

The elements are angry and fighting.

I lay awash with frozen fear

The storm is now and I’m not safe here

Awash with terror, I bleed and cry

I am alone in this truth of the night

I tried to sneak on creaking floors

Tried not to make a sound when I hear the beast snore

The rotting ballasts, the cracks in the hall

The seeping sap, it trickles, on paper thin walls

I need you to know, to remember back when

I need you to remember now and then

The beastly storm it lurks and loiters

It hasn’t returned, its been here since then

Though years have passed, and your home is far from me

I still drop into that deep dark sea

So deeply shackled the abyss I see

The beast is alive

And I am lost in me”

I wrote this piece in 2023, during a full blown PTSD relapse. I was extremely unwell and debilitated by flashbacks and a flooding of memories from childhood. I felt as though a part of me was demanding that I remembered, and to stop living in denial of the past.

I look back now and I know that I tried to exist as though the past was not my own past. It was a story I told, but it was not a part of me.

I needed to live like that for a period of time. I needed to find myself in a different life, to find space.

But another part of me knew I was ready for the next stage of healing. I just didn’t know it yet, and I certainly didn’t want to face it.

But I’m glad I did. I can see how much healing I have done since that time. And today I can say I am thankful for the storm.