Afraid

I rue the day that you make me cry,

I sit alone in my room,

Hugging a pillow.

The screams that would come from my mouth,

The horror.

It seems to creep into my thoughts,

Never just the “monster under the bed.”

I never truly understood

The effect it had on me

Because I let it in.

You will come back to me and ask for advice,

But no.

I don’t have it.

Sometimes I wonder if I fixed it.

If it will come back to haunt me.

I try to think

I try to speak

But my mouth opens,

And nothing comes out.

The dark, the fear.

I repeat to myself that I’m fine, but the anxiety won’t fade.

It spreads.

Every. Single. Day.

What was I ever afraid of?

Ask me. I don’t know.

I never did fully know.

Wake up

Take a shower

Brush your teeth

Get dressed

Eat breakfast

Don’t cry now, don’t panic.

Hang out

Scroll

Eat lunch

Don’t cry now, don’t panic.

Hang out

Study

Finish homework

Call friends

Eat dinner

Don’t cry now, don’t panic.

Put on sleep clothes

Wash face

Drink water

Read

Go to bed

Don’t cry now, don’t panic.

Repeat.

I thought it would eat me alive.

It almost did.

My friends would remember

That one time at a football game

Early in the school year.

I acted as if I were fine,

And I was.

But when it hit me,

I broke down.

Hyperventilating

Crying uncontrollably

Surrounded by my friends.

“Talk to me, about anything.”

I shook in pure fear.

About what?

Ask me, again.

I don’t know.

I never did know.

I never will know.

When those moments replay in my mind,

I don’t understand,

Why they come back.

I sit there and ponder

Because there truly is no reason.

You can try to figure it out.

Please, tell me when you do.

It’s been stumping me forever now.