Feeling behind

There comes a point in life, when everything comes to a standstill. You don’t feel like your improving in any way. You open social media in hopes to fill the void of emptiness you feel, you scroll through your classmates stories. Some of them are running for leadership positions in clubs so they’ve created a post to list their achievements that make them qualified. You read the list: DECA ICDC Qualifier, State champion, published research paper, and president’s volunteering gold award recipient. Your finger hovers over the like button because you can feel the jealousy and envy creeping up your spine. You press the like button anyway because you want to support your friends and cheer on their achievements. But you can’t ignore the nagging feeling inside. What have I done with my life?

It hits hard in Junior year of high school, because all you can think about is what you are lacking. You’re constantly comparing yourself because you’re going to be fighting for a spot in college. There was a good example of this idea I saw, where a person drew what looked like a circle, except the ends didn't touch, so it was an open circle. The first thing people will notice is what’s missing. They’ll think it needs to be fully closed because a circle is a closed shape. Now think of that circle as a person. As one is applying to jobs or colleges, we all think we need to be that perfect circle. In some cases, that may be true, and that is what leads to the feeling of being behind. I think there is a minimum basis of qualifications that one needs to have to be a circle. In the case of jobs or college applications (in the broader perspective), that might be your GPA, work experience, or degree. But a pink circle is still a circle. A circle with flowers drawn on top is still called a circle. The point is, I think the perfect circle consists of certain undeniable qualifications, but the perfect circle won’t be the same for everyone. These days, the perfect college applicant might look like this: IB Diploma, AP Classes, 1580+ SAT, 34+ ACT, national champions, club president, 4.0 GPA, and so on.

When I was asked if I ever thought about doing a research paper, doing summer college programs, or doing DECA, I told them yes. Yes, but I didn’t do it because I didn’t think it was right for me. This person then immediately reminded me, not in the most encouraging way, that I will be competing against people who do these.

I spent 3 months feeling the dread that I may have made the wrong decision to pursue things I truly cared about. I spent many hours staring at the ceiling, feeling like an absolute failure. I found it hard to get the motivation to do any of my passions during this period because I felt so lost. I was doubting my decisions and wondering if my life was already over.

At the fourth month, I decided to snap out of it. I’m going to hang on to that sliver of hope that the decision to focus on things I care about will someday pay off. I’m going to use everyone’s doubt, including my own, as fuel for my drive so that one day I can prove all doubts wrong.