I Don’t Want to Earn My Wholeness Anymore

Depths of Divinity Original

Things are still in a sticky place, and I find myself longing to feel connected. I want to feel whole, but right now, I really cannot.

My sense of freedom, wholeness, and connectedness feels deeply conditioned. It’s difficult to explain, but it seems to exist only under certain circumstances. Only when I do specific things.

When I paint, write, create freely, play, walk, or spend time in nature, I feel whole. I feel connected. I feel like myself.

But when I do things like cooking, cleaning, updating my website, reviewing my offers, reaching out to people, networking, or handling everyday responsibilities, that feeling disappears. Those activities don’t seem to bring the same level of joy, freedom, or connection.

And yet, I don’t want my sense of connectedness to be dependent on certain activities.

Part of this comes from how work and life were modeled for me growing up. Work was always portrayed as strenuous, painful, and stressful. There was no room for creativity, joy, or flow. Work was something you endured.

Joy was reserved for play. Fun belonged in a separate category of life. The activities that made you feel alive, connected, and free were seen as seperate from responsibility, productivity, or work.

I can see how deeply I’ve internalized that pattern.

But I don’t want to live from that conditioning anymore.

I want to experience joy from a deeper place — one that isn’t dependent on what I’m doing. I want to feel connected while organizing my wardrobe. I want to feel abundance while creating a Pinterest board for jewelry I’d love to buy one day. I want to feel alive while answering emails, updating my website, or completing ordinary tasks.

I want wholeness to be my baseline, not something I have to earn through specific activities.

More than anything, I don’t want life to feel monotonous anymore.

I want to live from a place of joy, freedom, creativity, and abundance — regardless of what the moment asks of me.