I Want to Be Seen Besides Being Wanted

I thought I was looking for love. It turns out I was looking for curiosity. These are evidence why I am cursed.

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I am 22, and yes, that is still quite very young. IT IS YOUNG. However, as young as it may seem, at this grown age and as a woman, I fear that I am in spirals when it comes to my romantic experiences. Well, I do have quite a few experiences, but they are odd and stuck in a pattern I am trying to escape and jump out of. No, seriously, what is wrong with dating nowadays? Everybody seems to be floating right now and incapable of seeing people through their eyes — which makes it terrifying to even try. As much as I want to romanticize my 20s by dating and being in love, that idea seems pretty nonexistent right now. I already failed to experience teenage love because of my big personality that seems to ick a lot of people. I am also failing this stage of my life right now. And no, you can’t tell me that “your right person will eventually arrive” speech. That will just make me want to jump off a cliff because boy, why didn’t I think of that…? I don’t know who made it shameful to admit you want to be loved, but I am woman enough to say that I, too, want to at least experience what it is like to receive flowers.

While we are at it, I am definitely putting myself out there. I think I put it way too much? But I really do! I don’t find anything wrong with it — I am a young woman after all. I am that friend who has a bizarre story with a man every week that my friends are always left in awe. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I date around. Well, I do, but it’s not like that. I just happen to get bored a lot and peep in dating apps every now and then when it happens…And then the horror stories begin.

Exhibit number one, I do have people now who are attracted to me, but I seem to be attracting evil dogs, eh? In this one, I’ll just put here the majority of them because, unfortunately, based on how I express myself (smokey eye, big eyeliner, bold lipstick, black clothes), I am prone to men sexualizing me and wanting something sexual with me immediately — most times it’s all they want. I don’t even know how many times I’ve heard the sentences, “You look like you’d ruin my life,” “Goth girls are freaky, right?” To make matters worse, they will even compare me to Ramona Flowers and Summer, or whoever that woman of their fantasies is. This is annoyingly common for women like me who are slightly alternative, and I absolutely hate it. I am so much more than that! Jesus, I haven’t even been intimate with anyone at all because of my inability to come skin to skin with anyone. So, I am sorry to break it to you, my boy, but you are not getting any of this. I can’t blame them because who doesn't want this? Intimacy is fun with people you love, based on testimonies from my very much in love friends, but do not ask it from me.

Then, exhibit number two, I did like a guy, like actually felt some connection there for the first time. Hear this, I have trouble liking a person because the second I see something that I feel like will eventually be a problem. I find myself bailing because why would I make myself experience that? Also, I am terrified of choosing the wrong one because there is no way I will let someone break my heart just like that, because I do not trust them easily. Most times, I always find myself in situations where I do not feel seen because when I talk to them or spend time with them, they only talk about themselves — big loser move! Yes, they are attracted to me, but they do not see me. I want to be seen besides being wanted. Going back, we matched on an app and, unlike most men I met, he seemed genuinely curious. The best thing? He asked questions! He was curious. Somebody was curious for once! The kind that made me feel like somebody was trying to know me instead of simply wanting access to me. We played games a lot, where we found out that he was my older brother’s neighbor, and it made my heart jump out of my chest because what are the odds? Coincidentally, I was going to visit my brother the next day, and we did end up seeing each other. It was nerve-wracking for me because it was my first time sneaking out to see a boy, and I was 21. The moon already rose to light up the sky, and I randomly told my brother that I was going to buy ice cream at 10 PM. Beads of sweat were forming on my forehead as he said yes, but he asked me to buy something as well, which made my head hurt. How am I going to spend time with a boy if he’s going to wait for me? I still went, and for the first time, I was yelling inside my head. I was attracted to him, like actually attracted. We walked around the neighborhood, and he bought me ice cream — it was nice. I would ask millions of questions, and he would answer them. That interaction was already mind-blowing for me as someone who lacks it — not even holding hands. As cute as it sounds, after two consecutive nights of doing that, he ghosted me. I do not have any grudges because, well, I am not completely clean because I had other dates scheduled (which are bad ones because it’s always the Exhibit One situation).

Months later, I saw him dating this girl, and I pretended not to know anything because sometimes ignoring things saves you. We remained mutuals, that’s why I knew, and that’s how he was able to reach out again because they probably didn’t work out. What I did was I entertained it because why not? I am bored and have nothing else to do in this area of my life. We started messaging each other again, and it was hilarious to see him say that he was just busy and had a lot on his plate. I kept replying, unfazed because I know damn well that he’s BEEN busy. We saw each other again as I visited my older brother, consecutive days and nights over the weekends, and it still feels the same. He did end up admitting that he dated this girl, that’s why he ghosted me, which was so easy to do, yeah? Let’s just all be honest. Before leaving, I asked him if he liked me because I do like him, and if he wanted to try it with me, because why would I stop myself? Boy, he did say yes, and I remained suspicious and cautious. Days after that agreement, et voilà — he ghosted me again! This time, he ended up removing me from his socials (mind you, he is the one who asked for it and added me), so I blocked him because I am not doing this anymore.

That situation could’ve been fine if boys just learned how to be honest! If he answered no, I would’ve been fine — so much fine! I have no trouble with hearing ‘no’ because it’s all I’ve known my whole life. That is why it never sits with me why we were taught since we were children to treat unrequited ‘love’ as shameful. Although I wouldn’t call my situation ‘love’ just yet, because I think I would know if it is love. But see it like this, we are taught to love our parents, friends who oftentimes we are not even sure if they understand or see us with love, and in most cases, they don’t, yet we still have to give love even if they do not love us back. However, when we love or even like someone in a romantic aspect and they fail to reciprocate that feeling, suddenly it’s embarrassing, shameful, and humiliating, which makes us labeled as pathetic. Why is it that only this kind of shame is targeted toward women? We are taught not to show too much interest because I am a woman, but literally, who cares? This is what I felt, and it must be heard. Why would I be ashamed of that? I was interested in him, so I let him know. He ended up not feeling the same, end of story! I move on.

Finally, exhibit three, a recent one and a hilarious one. Same thing, we matched because organic encounters do not happen to me. I am way too weird for people to approach me. He was doing all this and that, in summary, he was blatantly love bombing the girl I am. I played along with it because it was fun to see him try, and I am not even attracted to him that much. The way he would do it is he would shower me with compliments every single time and then tell me outrageous sentences such as “I want to do more things with you, and I’d wait till you get comfortable”. This person also likes planning the future a lot, which gives me shivers and makes me want to throw up my guts. Don’t get me wrong, all that is not necessarily bad, but it is especially when you’ve only known each other for DAYS. For my amusement, I let it all happen because, well, for one, it benefits me, because the first few days of seeing a boy who has ulterior motives are entertaining, and because you can make them do whatever you want in this time period. Made him drive me, made him walk under outrageous heat, made him sit as I complained about everything. As it progressed, the replies started getting slow, the lies were more blatant, and the words did not match the actions anymore, so I just knew my time was up. He ended up ghosting me! It was probably because after a few dates, all I could give him was access to holding my hands.

Am I cursed? I have a feeling that I am cursed in some sort of way because of my inability to keep things in my hands — everything seems to always slip away. At the same time, I feel like I am meant to be an experience for every person I meet. It’s not like I am actively looking for it. I am pretty sure I am still incapable of actually being tied with someone, but it gets to a point where I start to question why. Why hasn’t anyone ever tried seeing through me? Yes, people have desired me, but nobody was ever curious. Or why is it that when they somehow get in, they leap? Is that all I am right now? An experience?