Attempting to Write My Way Out of Depression

Mental Health

Attempting to Write My Way Out of Depression

Been struck by fear lately

photo by author: reflects my mood but in reality I love cooler weather like this

My biggest fear is being dependant and loosing my autonomy. Lately I have been triggered. I try to push certain things out of my mind but very often they confront me.

I see that loss of autonomy happening to older folk around me and don’t want that to be my fate.

They used to be so confident, happy and independent, but now I see the life drained out of them. They hardly smile anymore.

They make forlorn utterances like they are biding their time, and as much as I want them to stay, I can empathise with how they feel. I’d feel the same if it were me in their shoes.

Why is it that once someone grows old or gets sick, they are infantilised? Their minds are just as sharp. I feel that they don’t get the basic respect they once commanded. It’s really sad and unjust to me.

I too feel that no one truly listens to me compared to when I was in a corporate job. It’s like night and day based on superficial things like a job title. It feels like overnight I lost IQ points in the eyes of everyone.

In my society which is highly materialistic and you’re measured based on educational qualifications, and school you went to when you’re young and later on by job title, salary, marital status, number of kids you have and so forth.

Wealth trumps most of it. Not the values you stand for. Integrity doesn’t seem to carry as much weight, but to me it’s a huge thing.

Perhaps it’s ok for me to not fit in with this norm. Society often feels sick and maladjusted to me. Which is another reason I love this community where you all seem different from the norm.

My respect for someone plummets when I know they are deceitful and think nothing of it. I see people with power doing terrible things and getting away with it. It truly sickens me. I am sure you see it too.

On the other hand I have the greatest respect for people who remain humble even while they have done well in life. And their life’s work was in the betterment of humanity. To me that’s true purpose. It was my greatest fortune to know people like this in the early part of my life.

I feel that I am the same person and perhaps with even more insight as I grow older. But in the eyes of society, I am vastly diminished.

If I didn’t have all of you to speak to I think I’d be even more isolated. Perhaps I am too introspective compared to most around me. I stick out like a sore thumb. I can’t abide by small talk. Does that make me a snob? It just drains me so much.

The irony is that I’m lonely but also picky.

At times like this, I miss my dad so much. He has no idea what a vacuum he left. I had no idea then, either. How much I needed him and still do. No one will ever care for you as much as a parent. (unless you had a negligent abusive one and if you did I’m so sorry)

I don’t think I will survive another loss and that is part of the fear that makes it difficult for me to wake up. I just want to sleep on and not face the day. The anticipatory grief totally overwhelms me. I don’t want to be specific as it’s all too much for me.

I started off writing this hoping I could squash the fears but I can’t be false and write calmer thoughts before confronting these fearful ones.

I hope I got it out of my system for now. At least partly.

Can anyone relate?

I know a way of handling it is to just live within each day. And the practise of gratitude for what you have but at this moment I’m terrified about what I am going to lose as it’s happened to me before and took me two decades for the pain to diminish somewhat.

It’s ok if you skipped this one as it may be triggering. I know many don’t like to read rants like this.

For me, I don’t mind reading pieces like this as they make me feel less alone. So I’m hoping that my being real will be palatable to some of you.

My next story will be more upbeat.