What Burnout Quietly Took From Me That I Didn’t Realise At The Time

Burnout can hit you seemingly suddenly, but there are warning signs I should have listened to.

I have always found that I function well under stress. My productivity and motivation seems to be at an all time high when I need to perform well or have a lot to get done. But I ignore the signs when my body is screaming at me to rest.

Sometimes there are no signs and I keep going until I cannot take anymore, but my recent burnout showed so many signs of it’s incoming arrival which I ignored, time and time again.

My stress levels were high. Cool. I have a stressful job, I had stuff going on in my personal life but who doesn’t. Keep going.

I was drinking more because I’ve had stressful days or successful days and deserve a treat. I was getting joint pain, brain fog, inability to concentrate, confusion. I have anxiety and these things come up every now and again, throw in a CFS diagnosis and these signs are the norm from time to time.

Then my productivity and motivation suddenly stopped. I found excuses, procrastinated, started falling massively behind on work targets. All hobbies disappeared because I just didn’t have the time or energy for them any more. I slept more, which again, I ignored because I love a nap, an early night or a lay in. But it became something I felt I wanted or needed all the time. Everything I did felt like a chore and as though it was sapping any energy I had left in me.

I didn’t even realise I was burnt out. I kept on working, maintaining a social life, trying to keep on top of things. But then my body showed me what I was doing. It started with severe brain fog, more than I have ever had. I could not concentrate, I felt like I wasn’t in my body anymore, like I wasn’t real and was living in a dream waiting to wake up. Then came these weird sensations. I remember being on a training course, miles from home when I felt the ground bouncing underneath my feet. It was scary and it spiralled into a full blown panic attack. I carried on, returned to work the next day and tried to live life normally. It happened again at a theatre show in London but I controlled it and continued.

I left work early one day because of the horrible feelings I was having. I tried to call my mum on the way home and didn’t get through and that sent me into some strange spiral. I pulled the car over. I felt like something awful was happening to me, like I was going to have a seizure or a stroke. I called 999 who said that they wouldn’t send someone out to me. Eventually I managed to get through to my mum who came to collect me and took me to A&E. I was diagnosed with Labyrinthitis, an inner ear condition similar to vertigo which causes strange sensations, brain fog etc. I took the meds they gave me but then it got worse. I was staying with my mum because I was too scared to be alone. She was there when I needed her in the night to comfort me, tickle my back to calm me down, reassure me, get me water. She even had to use a wet flannel to wipe my feet and neck when I was sweating in the night.

I ended up in A&E again, having what turned out to be 9 back to back panic attacks in a row. I was in a wheelchair, the lights too much for me to lift my head, throwing up, convinced I was dying.

They gave me diazepam and everything calmed down.

The truth is, the burnout got me to the point I had several moments where I thought ‘this is it’. I’m young, I have no physical health diagnoses but I felt liie I was dying. It was awful.

2 months off work sick. Struggling to get out of bed, dosed up on sedatives or alcohol, or both just to get through the day.

It sounds dramatic, but it genuinely felt like burnout, stress and anxiety were the end of me.

I’m still learning to pace myself, cope with the symptoms when I have pushed myself too hard and maintain a healthy balance in my life, but it isn’t that easy.

I know I’m not the only person to have gone through this and it would be great to hear other people’s stories, because it feels like an incredibly lonely place when you are in it.

At least now I have learnt to listen to my body when it tells me enough is enough, and hopefully I can take notice earlier on, before it gets to that point.