Slowing Down?

All my life I’ve heard the same story. Good grades, good colleges, good white collar jobs- the works. And somehow I fell right into it. A consulting job at the ripe age of 22 figuring out how to turn data into actionable insights, align boxes that sit right next to each other but still hold only value proposition and sat in rooms where all I could do was listen and grasp before I learnt to add value to any of these discussions.

It went great- the fast track promotions, the money that came with it, the lifestyle that grew with it, dinners that costed more than my monthly salary and so much more. It’s almost like an addiction. Staying constantly available. Waking up and checking your email or pings before you even brush your teeth, planking at the gym with the email opened right in front of you or my personal favorite- getting Siri to read your unread emails while you drive to your office because dare I waste 25 minutes while I commute. I liked it all. It gratifies you. It gives you a sense of importance. You’re valued in that room, and my, what a feeling to be a part of the inner circle.

So when you cry in front of your boss while having a slightly complicated conversation and overload him with information about how hard caring for a parent with a terminal illness is and how draining figuring out an extremely difficult emotional situation is making you feel — you decide to slow down. And for the first time in 9 years, there is time to do absolutely nothing.

That’s exactly how I got about to taking a 2 month long sabbatical in the middle of my fast track career. My brain had been in fight and flight mode for a really long time and I just couldn’t cope. It of course came with financial implications. Crying to my husband and him being the absolute best partner by telling me that it’s absolutely okay to take the time (Touchwood). Then, telling myself that there won’t be 3 international vacations this year and maybe we’ll have to stick to two. (But I really want to go to Eastern Europe — I’ve never been to that side of the world) and the hardest of all — no midnight Zara and Amazon orders (which I haven’t been able to fully stick to — it’s the sale season afterall).

Picture by the author

The first three weeks went by with caring for my parent, managing some family equations and realizing that time just flew by. The equally enjoyable part was simply waking up and going straight into family time. I could enjoy breakfast with my Mom, a beer with my Dad on a weekday night and show up for my nieces during their summer break. I could watch most of the world cup matches without worrying about my sleep cycle. It felt like a summer break as an adult — oh wait, a married adult. I could go to my mom’s house and ask her to make absolutely yummy food. Afternoon naps felt absolute great and life just seemed to slow down.

It also came with the return of another friend — Anxiety. This break also meant slowing down on the next step of my career by sometime. And the big question of am I not doing enough. AI is constantly changing the way things work in my industry. I had big imposter syndrome in the form of the following questions:

“Will I still be relevant when I go back to work?”

“Will AI take my job?”

“What if I am no longer needed at the workplace?”

I swallowed all my self doubts and decided to take the plunge regardless. I couldn’t have contributed to the office with the state of mind that I was in and hence, the sabbatical made complete sense.

I sit here today with only three days left of my sabbatical. I have a list of things that I need to accomplish for those 3 days too — I need to get a few things in my house deep cleaned, I need to buy more plants and set my balcony up again (only for them to die in a few months) and I need to cuddle with my Partner as much as I can.

These two months have flown by — I’ve finsihed reading 10 books!!! I have spent many many days on my couch watching all of Big Bang Theory. I’ve caught up with a lot of my friends. I’ve gone out clubbing twice (which is more than what I have in all of the last three years), I’ve absolutely enjoyed every time my husband has made his absolute best pesto pasta for me which is delish ngl and most of all I’ve spent a lot of time with my Mom who I probably love the most in this whole world.

This phase has also taught me to slow down every once in a while. To live in the present, to enjoy what I have and to live with the knowledge of my anxiety existing every once in a while. Maybe slowing down isn’t a bad thing. :)