My anxiety has become so loud that it’s drowning everything inside me.
So why is this happening? Am I grieving an injury (for context- I had a grade 3 ACL tear almost a month back)? I mean many athletes get…
My anxiety has become so loud that it’s drowning everything inside me. For a while Imagined it was just numbness, no happiness and no pain, but it’s way worse. We’re back to rapid heart beats and racing thoughts. The problem is that most parts of my brain are clear and intact. I can think. I can reason. I know what I should do. But my amygdala and hippocampus aren’t really able to attach emotional significance to any experience which makes me unable to attach any meaning thereby rendering every experience meaningless.
So why is this happening? Am I grieving an injury (for context- I had a grade 3 ACL tear almost a month back)? I mean many athletes get it, so maybe it’s a cool injury or something? Or am i grieving something else. Probably the life I had before. So what things gave me meaning before? Macro stuff like hanging out with friends, dancing, driving my scooty, going to the gym. Micro stuff like listening to favorite songs, reading good quotes/books, watching cute movies, figuring out a clever answers for a random interview questions (so ready to be AIR 1).
But all these no longer make me feel anything. So I need to rewire my brain to trigger anticipatory dopamine and activate my brain’s filtering system. And the best way for that is by thinking about new experiences.
So I’ve decided to create a bucket list writing important experiences I want to have before dying.
The 🪣 list till now-
- Go to the movies by myself
- Scuba dive with the dolphins
- Learn sign language
- Go surfing with friends
- Take a hot air balloon ride with family
- Write and publish a book
- Learn guitar on Wildest Dreams
- Complete a triathlon
- Teach English in Vietnam
- Solve rubik’s cube
- Shoot or star in a short film
- Attend and give a ted talk
- Go kite flying
- Learn skiing
- Ride an ATV
- Perform standup comedy
- Get my private flying license
- Perform a dance at a cruise party
- Climb a mountain
- Learn kung fu
- Take family to Neemrana Fort
- Get certified in salsa or some dance form
- Win a tennis tournament with at least 12 entrants
- Have coffee with an old friend I’ve lost contact with
- Join a flashmob
- Drive a motor boat
- Make wine and sell it
- Go canoeing
- Plant a tree and watch it blossom
- Do full marathon with friends in costume
- Stay in igloo hotel
- Become a shooting instructor
- Spend christmas eve in NYC
- Participate in Devil’s circuit
- Be a tour guide for a day
- Do a solo long drive trip
- Record dance videos and post
This is all I could think of right now, feel free to add more in comments.
Browsing through old pictures to remind myself how life looked a month back and how it will look like post recovery.
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- 2f75616ffda5
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- my-anxiety-has-become-so-loud-that-its-drowning-everything-inside-me-2f75616ffda5
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- fetched_at
- 2026-07-10 01:40:30
