Anxiety or a Shield?

I’ve been thinking about how many possibilities keep circling in my mind. So many that sometimes I can’t even catch them. Whenever I start thinking or worrying, the signals of anxiety in my brain seem to invade my nervous system and refuse to leave me alone. Finding an answer to the question, “Why do I feel this way?” takes so much of my time. Sometimes the weight of emotions I can’t even define refuses to lift, and I can’t figure out why. Then, when I can no longer make sense of it, endless questions stand guard inside my mind. I don’t know how to escape them. One question echoes over and over in my head: Do the anxieties I feel help me take precautions, or am I setting traps for myself in my own mind? Is it anxiety? (Empty inside.) Or is it a shield? It all becomes so tangled that it feels like an unsolvable knot. After calming myself down, I try to understand what it all means. And if those emotions are harming me instead of protecting me, I stop embracing them…

I learned that someone who searches for meaning in everything will end up missing every moment. That’s why I know not everything has to mean something. Or rather, I’m trying to accept that — even fighting with myself inside — just so I can let those thoughts pass through me. But I still don’t know why these endless anxieties never stop, why they never leave me alone. There are demons inside our minds, and resisting them is harder than it seems. Yet this is neither a sin nor a virtue with any reward attached to it. Sometimes it is simply a prison, and when we manage to silence it, it feels like a paradise. But how many days of our lives are truly filled with a peaceful paradise anyway? Of course, these are only the questions echoing in my own mind. Maybe they explain what some of you are going through, or maybe you’ve already managed to put the demons in your mind to sleep. If so, good for you. But maybe…