I cannot make it my truth.

Photo by Oksana Manych on Unsplash

May 24, 2018

I’ve gotten my days and nights turned around again. I was doing well for about a week. And today I am incredibly sad, teary. I am posting novel excerpts to the Coco Densmore blog, and when I read them, they make me cry. I feel sorry for that woman.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the email Jeff sent me where he said, “you’re an extreme turn on for me.” No one has ever said that to me before. Yes, there have been men in my life who have wanted me, but no one has ever said I am an extreme turn on. I don’t understand how Jeff could think that.

I struggle to understand my value as a woman. I know what I bring to a man that’s on the inside of me. I know I’m a strong personality, intelligent, with a great sense of humor. But physically, I’ve never believed I was worth anything. I have all the parts. But I’ve been at war with my body since I was a child.

I want to be able to see myself as the whole of who I am - body and mind and soul. But I’ve never been able to. Even with all the reinforcement I’ve had over the last year and a half. Even though I’ve been told dozens of times now that I’m beautiful, sensual, I still can’t get a hold of it.

I remember when I first met Jeff, and he told me he wanted me. I said, “I’m saggy, baggy, and scarred.” And he replied “Hot Hot Hot.” I was flattered but I could not own it. I still don’t see it. It is a wonderful thing to hear that a man appreciates me, all of me. When a man desires me, it feeds than insatiable hunger inside me for acceptance and validation. But I cannot internalize it. I cannot make it my truth.