How to Break Self-Sabotage Without Turning It Into Punishment

Curiosity changes more than shame ever will

Image by Aleksandar Popovski on Unsplash

Last week, I found myself back in the same old habit.

I had a new idea and was excited like a young boy waiting for Santa.

Then I started opening ten tabs, making a plan, and reviewing the plan.

Suddenly, I realised how I was scrolling through social media like I had an allergy to getting things done.

I wanted to call it perfectionism because that would have felt so much better.

But it was plain and simple self-sabotage.

How could I have missed that….

Why Calm Can Trigger Self-Sabotage

When life settles down, your body may view this as the calm before the storm.

You numb out, get into a fight, or grab your phone. The remedy is fairly straightforward; however, it is far from easy.

Stop.

Label what you see around you. Provide evidence to your body that calmness can be safe.

Making problems to maintain a sense of control

If you have spent most of your life preparing for potential disasters, then a peaceful existence will appear suspect.

Your brain begins to search for flaws. Create a problem. Develop a threat. This looks like awareness and preparation, but is actually panic wearing a clipboard.

Begin practicing, allowing a good day to remain a good day without interrogating it.

Overplanning as a form of avoidance

Planning can seem like discipline; however, planning can also delay the act of taking the first risk. I am familiar with this one.

The plan zone can often feel like a lot of work, especially when the plan changes daily.

Break it by deliberately taking the most chaotic first step. Write one terrible paragraph. Record thirty seconds. Send one imperfect message.

Procrastination due to “I’m not ready”

You read the book. Watch the video. Buy the course. But you don’t take any action, simply because you’re waiting to feel prepared.

Preparing is an illusion. Experience is the instructor. Establish a rule. Learn something new and implement it the same day (even if it’s terrible).

Your harsh inner critic is a preemptive defense mechanism

There exists a part of you that believes it is safer to hurt yourself before others can. I heard that voice loudly throughout a week of deep meditation.

It seemed to have an opinion about everything, including my breath. Once you recognize the voice as a protector, rather than the truth, respond to it as you would to a loved one.

Using self-shame as a means of further sabotaging yourself by not noticing your own patterns

You notice the sabotage, and then you use that as additional proof of your inadequacy.

The second jab is optional. Exchange shame for curiosity. Inquire what the pattern is attempting to prevent.

Perceiving fear of commitment as flexibility

Having one foot in and one foot out appears intelligent until you realize it is merely how you are avoiding being completely invested.

Commit to a time frame. Sufficiently lengthy to allow for genuine data collection. Six months is not forever.

It is merely sufficiently lengthy to cease constantly restarting your life at the beginning of each Monday.

Waiting for certainty before making a decision

What if I make a mistake? That is the question that keeps you locked in place because it views decisions as prisons.

Most decisions are doors.

You pass through the door. You learn. You adapt. Set a deadline. Make the decision using the best available information. Allow the lessons from the outcome to guide you.

Giving your power away to people and events

It is they and not me that can be true, and yet you can continue to be held captive. Venting is natural. Remaining in that state is costly.

The movement is to reclaim the one area you control. Your reaction. Your boundaries. Your next action. That is where your leverage resides.

Waiting for a crisis to push you toward making a change

Most of us only move when we experience severe pain. It works, but it depletes you. Start earlier. Continue the process when you feel better.

Do not discontinue simply because the flame has been extinguished. Continue to maintain a clean fireplace so you will not require another emergency to awaken you.

You do not sabotage due to weakness. You sabotage due to the fact that a portion of your psyche has learned that exposure, success, and stillness are risks.

Your task now is to demonstrate the opposite through a series of small, repeated experiences.

Stillness is not danger.

Taking imperfect action is not death. You do not have to abandon yourself to progress.