COMMUNICATION | SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY | HUMAN BEHAVIOUR | TRUTH | HONESTY | EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Some People Hear the Truth While Others Hear a Softer Version of It

We change how honest we can be depending on who is listening — and that may be emotionally intelligent

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Woman with two different masks (DALL-E)

Saying the Same Thing Differently

Have you ever noticed that you say the same things differently, depending on who you’re talking to? You might not even consciously realise you’re doing this, as intuition plays a large part in how we anticipate conversations will go. When we know the person we’re about to speak to will criticise us, argue, or take offence easily, we need to find a way to handle this. Yet instead of going against these instincts, there may be a better way to approach the same issue. We can filter the conversation to avoid conflict, upset, or emotional hurt.

Same Conversation, Different People

We decide what to tell others and how to speak to them. If we don’t know the other person well, it can be harder to gauge how the conversation will go or what the best thing to say is. If we do know them, we can decide what to tell them, whether to tell them anything at all, and even whether to have the conversation. We can still have difficult conversations on amicable terms, or at least in a way that feels less antagonistic. We can use “softening” language, not to lie or deceive, but to soften the topic when there is a risk of conflict, escalation, or emotional harm. The truth hasn’t changed; the person you’re talking to has.

Why It Doesn’t Feel Like Lying

To be clear, this isn’t about lying or being deceitful. It’s about adjusting to someone else’s reality and expectations, as much as protecting ourselves from conflict or causing emotional damage. Knowing what to say to whom and when is emotional intelligence in action. Doing so feels reasonable. Leaving out certain details, to benefit the listener and ourselves, to aid clarity and comfort in communication, isn’t deceit. It’s wisdom.

Rephrasing things in a softer and congenial way isn’t lying. It’s giving a buffer that makes what’s been said easier to hear and bear. It feels like the right thing to do. You’ve probably done this so many times that you’ve forgotten to pay attention to it. It seems almost natural. It can happen out of concern for someone’s feelings or because you’ve been burned too many times in the past, and you instinctively know the outcome.

How Emotional Intelligence Shapes Truth-Telling

You know the people who drain your time and energy, upset you emotionally, so you avoid them wherever possible. Anything else is masochistic and not emotionally intelligent or wise.

You don’t want to be a gluten for punishment all your life, so why would you embark on a campaign of destruction when it’s not in your own interest or anyone else’s?

Yet many people stay trapped in destructive and abusive relationships, with constant upset and arguing. It’s not that they lack emotional intelligence completely; it’s that they don’t use it, or learn from experience, or listen to what their gut instincts are saying or how their body feels when upset.

Discernment Isn’t the Same as Dishonesty

The opposite way of dealing with this is knowing how to manage others’ reactions, not controlling them, or taking responsibility for them, but being tuned into how they may react. Instead of blurting out the truth, we pause before speaking and think first. We ask ourselves questions, “How would it sound if I said that?” When we know how to gauge conversations to limit and offset potential conflict and risk if emotions escalate, we’re already one step ahead of the game. We won’t be caught off guard by shock or surprise, or be too shocking to others, who may not appreciate it or be able to take it. In this way, we aren’t being dishonest, but discerning.

What the Psychological Research Says

The 2025 study in the *British Journal of Social Psychology* found that people don’t apply honesty in a “one-size-fits-all” or fixed way. Instead, they adjusted the truth depending on the situation, and especially if the person receiving it could be adversely affected or vulnerable.

I wrote a separate story about Selective Honesty below. The study found that brutal honesty wasn’t perceived as moral, and kindness was valued more highly. However, honesty was perceived as more trustworthy.

[embed]*Selective Dishonesty: Why We Soften the Truth When Honesty Hurts *Research explains the trade-off — kindness is seen as more moral, while honesty is more trustworthy medium.com

This means a split appears whereby:

Honesty → Trust Kindness → Morality

And people move between both dimensions.

Honesty Exists on a Continuum

This is the part most people aren’t consciously aware of. Honesty an on/off switch, where you either turn it on or off — there is no middle ground. In this article, honesty is discussed as being on a continuum — a sliding scale, not all or nothing, not black or white.

The options you have are:

• Be fully honest with someone.
• Be partly filtered with another, and decide what to disclose.
• Be highly selective with a vulnerable person, or those who may be harmed in some way by the truth.

It all depends on what you think they can tolerate. For example, if someone told you that someone you didn’t know well wouldn’t be able to handle the truth, would you rush to tell them the truth? I know I wouldn’t. I would give serious consideration before telling the truth, and maybe never tell it.

Why This Feels Normal — Even When It’s Not

Because it aligns with something deeper, such as avoiding emotional harm, you’re thinking more about reactions than truth-telling — so it doesn’t have a “normal” feeling to it. You’re thinking about consequences and relationships, either yours or others, and prioritising that over the truth. The truth becomes secondary as you manage the reaction of others.

This isn’t random. Over time, you learn who can handle the truth and who can’t. Who will react badly if the truth triggers them, and who it could affect badly. These are moral questions. It’s not just about honesty and truth. Over time, you also learn who wants honesty — and who says they do, but don’t. Some people appear more open than they really are, and may want to look good or impress, so they appear to value honesty.

So you learn to adapt — not your reality or the truth, but how someone else might handle it. You become wiser, sometimes by bitter experiences, other times simply by life itself. You realise that the same truth takes a different form depending on who’s listening to it.

The One Question We Never Ask

Most people don’t ask the right question, so it changes:

It’s not:

“Am I being honest?”

It’s:

“Why do I choose this version of the truth?”

The difference may not be obvious, but it’s important.

🤔 Let Me Know Your Thoughts 🤔

The study suggests that most conversations aren’t purely about truth. They’re influenced by who you’re speaking to and what you think they can handle, and what you want to avoid.

Two people can hear two entirely different versions of the same reality, but both feel appropriate. Tell me what you think in the comments.

• Do you adjust the truth depending on who the person is?
• Have you ever realised you told the same story differently to different people?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading 📚

You can read more stories here:

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