“WHO AM I WITHOUT THE PRESSURES OF THE WORLD?”

I was told I was a people-pleaser, manipulative, ugly, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, and a person without boundaries.

All my life, I believed them. I allowed people’s opinions to dictate WHO I AM.

I lost my spark. I refused to see anyone. I told myself I was a failure. I lost jobs. I lost people. By believing the way people see me and limiting myself to their perceptions of me.

One Saturday morning, I woke up — lost. Not knowing what to do, where to move, or whom to approach. But I chose to get up from bed instead. I had to get up. I had to get going.

Yes, I was betrayed by the person whom I allowed to revolve my world around. But that didn’t mean I should allow her to ruin my life entirely. No, I should not allow MYSELF to stay where she left me. I must get up. That’s what I told myself as I got up from bed, went to my home office, opened my computer to search for jobs, and played background music.

After sending job applications, I felt heavier.

A pang in my chest, tangled thoughts, and heavy breathing.

So, I closed my laptop and computer and opened the book ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear.

I turned the pages slowly, with no real purpose other than to pass the time until my eyes landed on some specific phrases. “With outcome-based habits, the focus is on what you want to achieve. With identity-based habits, the focus is on who you wish to become.” I paused. Swallowed my saliva. As it took me aback.

James was right. I was too focused on setting goals, but after a day or two without seeing any progress, I’d pause again, be very disappointed with myself, and listen to the voices of past people in my head saying I was a ‘failure’.

Then I contemplated for a minute or two. I tried whispering to myself multiple times, “Who do I wish to become?” I chanted this question repeatedly as if I were uttering a ritual. Then the voice in my head answered: ‘I want to become a successful researcher’.

Dang, how could I ever forget that? I wish to become a successful researcher, but I have been doing nothing to achieve it. I must change my process. I must build my own system.

So, I turned on my laptop again and wrote all these thoughts down. I am not someone I wish to become yet, but I will never become that person if I don’t start now.

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Who am I without the pressures of the world?

I am ME. I am who I choose to be. I am the person who refuses to stay where people left me. I AM WHO I SAY I AM.