When You’re Actually AFRAID To Feel Good

Trying to stay sane isn’t as easy as you’d think

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

Okay, stay with me.

Because this might sound just a little bit strange.

Or maybe it won’t…

Not if you’re someone like me.

And if you’re someone like me, you might occasionally — or even often — get uncomfortable when life is going well.

You may even feel scared.

Anxious.

Or unprepared.

Confused?

Let me try to explain…

Right now, things are going relatively well for me. And for my family.

People are healthy, people are pretty happy, and we’re all having a great time enjoying summer together.

Not only have we already accomplished many things on our Summer “Bucket List”, but we have so many more things ahead to look forward to.

Photo by Lightscape on Unsplash

Personally, I have had many moments of complete and utter contentment in recent weeks. Feeling better than ever, with much more positivity than I’ve experienced for most of my life.

And that makes me…pause.

It makes me a bit apprehensive.

Okay…very apprehensive.

Because I feel like I am always waiting for “the other ball to drop”.

Always waiting, with bated breath, for the inevitable to happen. For something to start going wrong.

See, I have dealt with so many hardships in my life (as many have) that for a long time, it became the norm. And I feel like — if I am not constantly prepared for the inevitable fall — that I will not be able to handle any more of it.

So I sit…on pins and needles…with that sense of unease ever present in the back of my mind.

Which brings up an obvious problem: it puts quite a damper on all of the good moments of my life.

I just can’t enjoy them as fully as I wish to.

Honestly, it really ticks me off.

“All that work and what did it get me?”

Photo by Soheil Jalili on Unsplash

I am certain that at least some of you reading this can understand exactly what I am talking about.

But…what do you think the solution is?

Because I have tried and tried, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything.

Nada. Zilch.

The only thing that I feel I have become better at is limiting how often I give in to this unease.

When it creeps in, I give it a brief moment of my time, acknowledge its presence…and then banish it to the back of my mind.

(Kind of like icky leftovers you shove in the back of the fridge, hoping that they magically disappear.)

So I guess, that’s progress…?

Regardless, I guess the only other thing I can do is keep trucking along. Keep working on self-improvement, and keep telling myself that feeling happy and positive is actually a good thing.

And that I deserve it.

Oh yes, and one other thing…

I can tell my therapist about this.

I probably should have done that already…