Should We Change Ourselves to Be Loved?

I used to think love was a mirror. That if I could just reflect what someone wanted to see, they would love me back. I believed if I dressed the way they liked, laughed the way they preferred, and liked the things they loved, I would finally be enough.

“So, should we change ourselves to be loved?” It sounds like a simple question with a simple answer: no. Of course we shouldn’t change ourselves just to be loved. We know that. We post it on Instagram quotes. We tell it to our friends. But when we fall in love, logic gets quiet. The heart starts whispering things like, “Maybe if I just change a little…” or “Maybe if I’m more like what they want, they’ll stay.”

The truth is, change is easy when you’re in love. Too easy.

I changed the way I dressed, buying clothes I never imagined I would wear. I tried makeup styles I saw on the girls he liked on Instagram. I made a playlist filled with songs I had never heard before, just so he would think we were meant for each other because music taste mattered to him. My laugh, once loud and carefree, turned into a quiet, polite giggle. I stopped reading my favorite books because he didn’t like the genres I loved.

The strange thing was, the more I changed, the more insecure I felt. I lived in constant fear of slipping up — of laughing too loud by accident, of wearing something he didn’t approve of, of humming the wrong song. It felt like walking on a thin sheet of ice, knowing that at any moment it could crack and I would fall straight through.

In the end, I lost two people: him and myself. He told me we were not compatible because we were too different. The irony was, I had already erased so much of myself to be closer to him, yet it still wasn’t enough.

After he left, I stood in front of my mirror and didn’t recognize the person staring back. I looked at my bookshelf and didn’t feel like reading any of them. When I played music, my favorite songs never came up anymore. It was as if they had all forgotten me, the same way I once forgot myself.

Healing didn’t come quickly. At first, I didn’t even know where to start. I was scared to go back to the things I used to love, because they reminded me of the person I had abandoned. But slowly, I started putting on my old playlist again. I laughed too loud with my friends. I picked up a book I’d left untouched for years.

And here’s what I realized — love isn’t about becoming someone’s ideal. Love is about two people standing as they are, and still choosing each other.

If you have to erase yourself to be loved, that love was never meant for you.

So wear the clothes that make you feel alive. Laugh the way you were meant to laugh. Listen to the music that moves you. Read the books that speak to your soul. Because the right person will never ask you to become less of yourself just to be loved. They will see you, and love you, as you are.