The Day I Realized I Wasn’t Broken

What depression taught me

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

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I haven’t been myself lately.

I don’t see the point in waking up, eating, reading, and worse, writing.

It all began when I got prescribed a new friend: Brintellix.

I flipped the prescription over, and it read: major depressive disorder.

Was this what I had?

I searched online and found a nice little leaflet for my new friend B, and I guess some of the symptoms did ring true:

• Feeling anxious
• Feeling worthless
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of interest in favorite activities
• Difficulty concentrating

But was I depressed?

I’ve been depressed before, but it felt different this time.

B helped me control all of the above by doing one thing: Stripping me of feelings.

I felt nothing.

It’s unusual for someone like me. I’m an empath and a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP); I was used to feeling things. Strongly.

It was at that moment that I understood why I was the way I was.

I’ve always felt f*cked over by my ability to feel so intricately. It made life miserable. But it also made me a writer.

After B muted my feelings, I felt no need to write because I felt no more. Feeling with every fiber of my being was how I connected to this world. It amplified my joy, pain, guilt, gratitude, and everything in between.

It was part of who I am.

Major depressive disorder helped me realize I was perfect the way I am because, without this mess, I wouldn’t be writing. And life would be hella boring if I didn’t hear voices that turned every moment into a personal essay.

Will I continue taking B?

Yes, as long as my doctor says so.

But once I’m off it. I’m going to feel the hell out of life and write about it like my life depends on it. Because it does.

Thank you for reading. If you’re going through a depressive episode, remind yourself, as my husband reminds me, that this is just an episode in your life. It does not define you. You may not come out the other side as a better person, but you can find a door that leads to a new day, even if it’s just an ordinary one.

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