The Adventures of #ThatGuy In the City

Subtitled: I ran a half marathon, except not really

A 6 foot, 3 inch 30 year old with an oaf-esque stature looking like he just jumped out of the pool, not what he is actually doing, commuting home from the Upper West Side, waddles through the Times Square Subway Station as he continually slides out of his flip flops. We will call him#ThatGuy. Upon closer inspection, one would note that #ThatGuy isn’t as freckled as it looks, rather bits of debris and earth are clinging onto his skin for dear life as his sweat glands rehearse their artistic interpretation of Niagara Falls. As he moves from the 123 tracks to the NQR tracks he scans the station in frenzied dispair. He spots his white elephant of the moment, which surprises and scares him, and then makes a beeline for it, as best as he can given the previously noted state of body coordination. His movements look quite uncomfortable, which is quite noticeable to the NYPD officer, who pulled the short end of the straw and was on Times Square Subway Bathroom Duty. The officer points down the row and with apathetic authority says “Stall 3.” Stall 3’s 2 foot by 3 foot refuge for #ThatGuy only houses the necessities though #ThatGuy is unsure if he has seen a sader W.C. in his life. Stall 3 comess off as a cross between a porta-potty and a bot made on Junk Wars. Everything is quite utilitarian but doesn’t match.

ThatGuy quickly brushes this aside, as his gastro-intestinal system has decided that it, like the rest of #ThatGuys body, detested the 13 miles he just ran first thing in the morning and it wants to make its presence known…NOW!

A few minutes later, and a pound or two lighter, #ThatGuy leaves the cramped restroom, tips his imaginary hat to the police officer, who seems confused by the gesture…or annoyed. #ThatGuy couldn’t didn’t really care, as his comfort had drastically improved. Sure, he was still drenched in sweat, and continued to slip out of his flip flops, but … ooops nevermind. #ThatGuy’s GI tract was still on its own rollercoaster and #ThatGuy was just along for the ride.

5 Minutes later, replay the entire last paragraph, except the end. This time #ThatGuy gets away clean. Down the steps to the NQR train #ThatGuy goes. He notes that his legs are not fans of the steps, and by the time he gets to the subway platform, his legs are in full cramp mode. #ThatGuy tries to play this off with some slight stretching, which only makes the cramps worse. Thigh messages are next with some slight grunts of pain, followed by some half squats. As the express train arrives, the cramps have subsided a bit, but are still there. #ThatGuy gingerly boards and attempts to find some space where his continuous sweat drips will not ruin another passengers day. Fortunately for #ThatGuy, the quantity of subway riders at 10AM on a Saturday is minimal. With 2 stops and a 10 minute walk home, #ThatGuy is excited to be in the home stretch and that much closer to gatorade, brunch, and some air conditioning. He then notices that he has received some unwanted attention from a youngish stranger who continually looks him up and down with significant disgust. Her glares are extra long as she takes in the sweat puddle at his beastly, in size and aesthetic, size 14 feet. Without a pause, a voice from inside his head audibly escapes from his mouth “Didn’t you hear? It’s run 13 miles and get stared at by a tourist day. All the cool kids are doing it. I chose to take it to another level and break 2 toes. I’m pretty dedicated.” While not the most clever tort, the stranger got the message, as did a couple other people in the subway car who smirked.

Upon his arrival at the Union Square station, #ThatGuy got off, walked up the stairs, and entered the crowds of a beautiful Saturday morning farmers market. The masses of localvores buying their weekly servings of kale, bison, tomatoes, apples, flowers, turnips, and cage free eggs, while sucking down their 2nd overly complicated Starbucks order of the day offered a sense of protection to #ThatGuy.

No longer worrying about the affect he was having on those around him, #ThatGuy couldn’t help but wonder how he had gotten himself into this predicament. While he had planned on completing a long run that day, his long run had gone from an 8 miles loop starting and ending at his apartment, to a 13 mile out and back on the Upper West Side that included the climb and traverse of the George Washington Bridge…

To Be Continued…