The Fear Behind Wearing a Kind Face

When anxiety is trying to prevent abandonment

Image by Фотограф Лисовский Стас on Pexels

For a fearful person, creating boundaries is not so much about self-respect.

It is about survival.

As soon as you say “no,” your body is going to act as if a disaster has struck. Because the fear is not based on danger in most cases.

The fear is based upon the fact that disapproval, conflict, separation, or disappointment can result in losing love.

That is why creating boundaries can be difficult. The old wounds are opened. You are not merely concerned that someone will be upset with you.

You worry that someone:

• will reject you
• misinterpret you
• punish you
• push you away

The underlying fear isn’t the conflict itself. The underlying fear is abandonment.

As someone who has been through this, I understand the cycle. For a long time, I believed being a “good” person meant being forever available. I was faithful. Available. Patient. Adaptable. Flexible.

I explained away my reservations regarding situations. Eventually, I found out that some individuals undervalued me after that. That is one scary reality for anxious people.

Abandonment doesn’t protect us; it only allows for resentment to build.

The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes

To outsiders, excessive giving from anxiety might seem benevolent. Inside, it feels like performing a high-wire dance while your house is on fire.

You continue smiling and answering, reassuring others, and maintaining a sense of calm while something within you becomes exhausted and distant.

First off, you’ll likely only experience tension. Afterward, you may start noticing frustration. Next, numbness. Finally, you realize that everybody appears to be content with a dynamic that is gradually sucking the life from you.

It is here that several anxious individuals become mired. They believe the guilt of a border will be overwhelming. However, unexpressed resentment typically destroys us faster than guilt.

Resentment causes our hearts to grow cold. It transforms caring for another person into an obligation to perform and loving them into a task.

On occasion, there aren’t any evil intentions from the other individual. They simply assume that if something is important to you, you’d express your concerns.

Since they interpret your “yes” as genuine if you continually say yes, they don’t recognize the true nature of your responses.

How to Set Boundaries Without Betraying Yourself

You won’t develop fearlessness immediately. You will create honesty first.

Think about where your energy decreases, where your body tightens up, and where you feel diminished after an interaction. Those are locations where borders are attempting to emerge.

Create simplicity once you’ve done this. Long descriptions are not kinder than short ones. You do not need a legal team to defend your limitations.

One statement is sufficient. I am unable to do that. I need time to myself. I will depart at this point. I am currently unavailable for conversation.

Be prepared for some degree of unease. Individuals who were able to benefit from your absence of limitations may object to the modification of those same constraints.

The new constraint is not incorrect. The previous paradigm was frequently disrupted by such a transition.

How to Stay With Yourself After Setting a Boundary

Following the establishment of a border, your body may react with panic. At this stage, many anxious individuals abandon themselves once again.

Remain with yourself during this phase. Take a stroll. Take deep breaths. Allow the tide to subside.

You’re not committing treason against humanity solely because the emotion felt unusual.

Each boundary represents a vote for a different existence. An existence where your requirements matter too. An existence in which love doesn’t necessitate complete self-destruction.

📌 More from Tim on learning to set healthy boundaries:

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